..it's the last day of the year 2009...

and the last final hour in 2009! and i only had small accomplishments or rather unsatisfied ones...but alhamdulillah nothing bad happened.

so, surfing through to 2010...with all promises and hopes and dreams still very much intact and so much of anticipatitions...inshAllah will come true.

despite all happiness and excitement to welcome 2010 in just a few more hour...there is something no-so-good to hear melody...not a good song to sing. well, it's about mom. yeah, i took a heavy breath just now...mom is one test Allah...has tested us all, my sibling. we are so depressed...well given that we do not know how depressed our mom is.

if it is about mom and i must guarantee myself that nothing...would be good to hear if depressed has made it appearances.

the more i think bout mom...the more i appreciate dad. the more i look high to him...seriously. i would never ever be able to do as good as dad, given what he had done and still doing for us. i am sorry dad for what had happened and what i had done and broke your heart. i'm sorry. seriously. deadly sorry...

for all your sacrifice and attention and care and love and everything...i really appreciate it. not that i don't appreciate mom...i do of course. this time, i want to express my gratitute of having dad as my hero, hero of my life. i couldn't be thankful more for what i had...have...or even will be having.

thanks dad, Allah, please bless us all...

..brand new year about to make major appearance...

ok, it has been quite a while since my last 'real' blog not just a simple update. not that nothing to write or blog about but, wasn't really inpired to write...even after signing in. sigh...

may be there are a lot of thing in my mind or rather planned and so much more...firdie included. i've made a list, short list for my new year's resolution and had already take a peek for this year's resolutions and accomplishments. of course not many...many failures rather.

oh before i forget, let me quote this...one i took from a friend's fb...from mark twain which i think realistic.
"twenty years from now you'll be mpre dissappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbour. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover". nicely quote and really was dedicated to me!

ok, today is 29th and we haven't get our pay yet. so, what? it's late again...nothing so new or news about. i'm planning for my biggie time to celebrate new year's eve this year with bunch of friends...but shall see how.

and, today i saw the national footballer, the twin but of course i didn't know who's who...but yeah he was so cute eh...i told dila, cuz i was with her awaiting for pauline to withdraw money at cimb bank, kelana mall. he, for one reason...looking at our direction, may be he was attracted to dila, who obviously looking nicer than i am...but i could see his eyes also to my direction...ok, i was perasan, but well, nothing to lose!

i wish i had more guts to say hi, or congratulate him for bringging gold medal back to malaysia after 20 years of long waiting! it something if not everything. well, i didn't...i felt sorry for myself that i didn't congratulate him...sigh...

and, after so very long...i've quite, firdie finally texted me today, just now. i was full blown excited now...feeling so great too! thanks fir!

so, next year's resolution .

1. do my mba in forensic audit at uitm
2. run 5 major races i.e. putrajaya night marathon, sckl, siemens, ipoh run, borneo and kotr
3. learn how to swim
4. trade in klse - o&g counter, sapuracrest included
5. buy a house!!! at damansara area
6. save more money as i won't have any other hutang except personal financing
7. pay off study loan
8. may be i should save for a tag heuer too...
9. read all the books i've been spending, like thousands of rm!

ok, not too many or i must know i couldn't handle it! i'm perfectionist remember? and a chronic procrastinator too!

..by any chance...

you believe in bad luck? believe that you were not supposed to be born? argh...sometime, i almost close to believe...but because i'm not suppose to, so...i don't.

how envy i am with other luckier people? having life...good ones, support? unconditional love -that they say unconditional wasn't really love anyway- heroes, luxury, genius and everything else i didn't own, have? of course...i tried, hard, harder and even hardest till i drop and give myself a good cry.

who know this? nobody...only Him the almighty...and yes, i'm BIG of an ego that i couldn't show my true emotion or may be i'm lack of it somehow...

i told myself...i want to write notes to Allah...so i can express my feeling, my frustration, my hope and my everything...since the only one would listen is Him...i think i should start soon...or i'll be depressed...with life and failures...and lack of accomplishments!

and yes...i really feel...like i wanna die but i still wanna live for i want to feel how success tastes like...how when solat really serened me...how when i talk to God...i feel better...but, i'm bad in many way...sigh...sigh...

..so he does change?

yeah, so what if he does change? human changes...so do i. let him be...and i'll collect whatever along they way to here...from yesterday.

i never regret i found him and be his friend and actually i enjoy it every second! eventhough last few days...i don't feel quite like myself but i manage to overcome the day and here i am...happy again...and yes, last few days...it was all crying days...i hate life...and what life has offered.

now, here i am again...bounce back from all the grieves and it's just ok, if firdaus isn't my friend again...anyway he was just a casual fling...just that he leaves when i'm not ready and willingly...not that i chased him away...i think that served me right...usually i made people...i chased people...now, i was left! well, that's life...what goes around comes around.

today, we were out luncheon for husin's birthday...i'm happy again despite my worrysome of tasks and kpi to achieve this quarter...i'm not quite myself...that much is true...i can't do my job...

and...2010 is approaching and what do i accomplish in 2009? i guess, none! sigh...what stored for me in 2010? new challenges? further study? no more foya2? yeah right...

i wish...my salary will be revised and so as my position, amen.

..so i don't have any plans...

like, great...i don't have plan at all! hey...what i should do? tag along someone? or just spend the whole damn time alone at bookstore?

argh...fantastic! . since when i never have problem with time...lucky God only give 24 hrs! just fine, no more no less...still i find it too long sometimes...wah...seriously dead meat!

firdaus...i think, it just stop here. and i wont missed him...i think it better be this way, his way...if he thinks he better leave now, it really means now. and i dont have any objections...

..new moon and me...and bella...

well, not so fresh from the movie. i went for it at cathay...yeah like i've somewhere else to go...for new moon. on my way, on radio...i heard so many bad review till i feel like...ah, this must be a waste of time! and money...

i told my boss, she said just proceed so i will know. and, i did...i rest assured all doubts.

ah, how surprisingly that i like the movie nonetheless. it felt like i was bella...the lack of emotion girl...and i think i like it because i read the book...and i can put the situation into the movie.

i shed tears...why? because i think, it was real...when you are sad and all you wanna do is get over with it...and for it...along the way, you'll lose the sense of emotion...at least, i am.

and, firdaus...my guts tell me, i don't feel like talking to the same firdaus i met on 15.10.2009 eventhough i've his photos, his web, his everything...all i've gotta know. but no, i dont feel assured.

hmm...meanwhile, we exchange photos...he always make me commit to giving him one or may be i'm so prevailing...now he has two of my photos...one which taken during bowling and today, taken from office. ok, ok...so, dila knows bout him...shared the photos of him with her...which somehow i feel...that this firdaus...is for dila...and not me.

ah, hell with it...not that i'm in love with this firdaus whatsoever...i take it as a casual fling. like i always have...my reputation had it that i made friends whereever i go, whatever i do...and eventually became good ones. and i must guess, firdaus too...

ok, he made me feel content, happy and look forward for a brand new day...except yesterday that his morning really snapped my sanity and senses...so, i like...hmm...not yet, i'm comfortable with this friendship at least for now.

i like it when he said...'i'll kiss your lips'...it sound so sexy and melt away my made of steel heart! yeah, that's hot! hahaha...and i like when he said...'damn, i want your kisses' and 'i wanna kiss you'. i feel loved...if it's the right word to say...i feel my emptiness slowly to be fulfilled...

and it's all because of firdaus...and last 28.11.09 is my best friend's engagement day...it felt like i'm losing her...and that what actually ignite my bad day, yesterday...

..i think i better be a terminator...

than a human. human get hurt, terminator doesnt, nor did bionic woman. i'm bit by bit becoming human when i be friended with firdaus. and i think it does more no good than one.

i'll get myself hurt again, sooner or later. i just can't bear hurt anymore...i've given my heart away long ago...then i suffer did not...and i don't care if i'm a machine. the hurt is unbearable. i can't trade anything for temporary happiness and humanity and later i know exactly that i'll be hurt.

i hate being human...feel like human...the happiness human offers, they can turn out to be something hurtful. like with firdaus...

..and when the tide was low...

i missed spectacular moment before dawn today. yeah, it was leonid meteor shower on the east sky...i set my alarm...i woke up but i couldn't see from my window...it was actually the other side of the sky...i was mistaken when i thought my room was facing east...it faces the west.

i woke up twice, at 4am which i mingled around to witness the rare moment in life...and another was at 5am...and this time i didn't actually move from my bed...just knowing that the sky was bright...how stupid i was for thinking that might be the bright from a full moon...

till i had a dream about snapping photos of the meteor shower myself...and for that...i was really sorry for myself...

and woke up this morning, for knowing i've missed all the great moment in life...i was doomed...and so down...and my colleague said, i look like corpse...or was it the make up...sheibe! and i was so tired too...

and him...who else...firdaus...i couriered down his birthday present...or rather a token of friendship...a small one...and i knew he was out of office the whole day as i called the courier service and confirm delivery...yet he was yet to receive it...so, in the evening when i was on my way to the curve to buy my mom's pots...he texted me...so, we start exchanging text...

which it seems forever to know if he has already received the package which also...i must know he didn't...so, i spoilt the surprise...and spilled the beans...i asked whether he had received my package...he was so surprised and he called me...to ask what was it...i said, i've spoilt the thrill...i won't going to spoil further...he really has to wait...

and last night...he went out with somebody...somebody...mind you...it couldn't just be anyone...it was somebody...no one will be mistaken to use word somebody for no reason eh...so, yes...i felt down...yet another down for me...oh, he asked me when would my birthday be...i didn't tell...

today, i consider a really doom day...till my boss told me a story of hers...that she was mistakenly sent text to she thought would have be her staff...but hell no...so, this guy now...stalking her...and he, didn't mind when my boss confessed that she was actually a matured woman and as old as his mother!!!!

this alone had made me smiled...and laughed first in the day...how i should have done that...to tell firsdaus that i was also a matured woman...now, too late to tell...

oh yeah, before that i've had conflict with imran just because, just because...of firdaus. that he thought i would played this guy out...i would have but no, not when he is really young, a 10 years my junior!!!!

let us see what happen...

..it's firdaus in my head...full of him...

it's firdaus, firdaus, firdaus and firdaus for a thousand time over...keep resounding in my head. it's so...wonderful feeling i haven't feel for so long...very long time now. do i crave and long for this feeling to come again?

i remember asking God to let me feel again...the feeling, not for me to lose how wonderful the feeling was when i had it. now, at this very moment...i feel so lucky and blessed that i feel like this again. and it was all for firdaus...my sunshine...at least for now even not for long...or won't be for long.

we rarely speak over the phone, he seems reluctant to pick up the call everytime...that suspicious but i don't really mind...well, why would i? he said, he won't cheat...so? yeah, i mean so what? so what if i buy or not? anyway...we are just in a stage of getting to know each other...not just more, but a little...little by little...i'm so secretive now...even my age.

come to think of it, i'd 35 next year...yeah, like months away...yes, still it just a number but biological number as well...

i'm happy firdaus is with me...i mean...as a friend now. even so, he didn't reply my sms so often or doesn't really wanna hang out together for social activities...i think, his friendster said he is naive and innocent...is quite right despite him trying to be naughty...

what? no...i'm not making stories...let me put his sms to me last night...sound 'so, you are curling in your bed already? can i join?'. yeah...indeed i was shocked...but still politician in me playing part...told him i was curling in my bed, no book just bed to conclude a hectic sunday. and for him joining, i said yeah...in his own bed. and...what he replied? he said...'i mean we both, together in one bed'. and yeah really...i start to think that he is no innocent after all.

trying to be naughty he is...but that's ok...he should be naughty...it's time for him to enjoy life and learn...

me...i still feeling afloat bout him...i save his photo as my wallpaper...in my hp. yeah right, wait someone will discover...but that's ok...i like him. so what?

yeah, this is the point where the start of the problem occured...or hopefully not.

it was only 2 weeks...

yes, it was...and the feeling groomed. ah, this is not right...this is all wrong for all the wrong reasons. wht? me! and firdaus...

how can i make right? o wait...i'm having conversation with him now...let me cut and paste. cannot...he said he's a busy man and dont even have time to find girl so, he'll let his mom find for him...hmm...i guess i was worried for no reason at all...he just wanna be my friend.

may be we could a close friend...like me and imran? we are close...so close that we exchange insults like nothing happened...

but...i really started to like this guy...may be because he is really good looking, welll yummy say imran...and he's atheletic too and a second lieutenant! how an impressive resume! i love it...every bit of it...

yes, i love rotu...of course since school for that i mean uni time...and i love athlete...i'm one! but ah, damn he's not interested in me...and has not suppose to get interested in me...or we both would be in big trouble or rather...BIG...trouble...

but, again, i like him nonetheless...

..so he is mr lieutenant...

yeah, he's young lieutenant and an athlete too...amazing...for i really adore those tough people...and happen he is one. great...

'waaaa...haha, i forgot to tell u. sigh. 28/10/09. hehe, cash rm300, ic, cards, license, precious wallet, all gone. hahaha.. :p'. the second i read the word precious, i knew it must be from his girlfriend...well his ex he said. and true enough...he told me so, when i asked whether he has himself a new one.

and suddenly a twinge of jealousy hit my feeling. and suddenly i realized, something is not right somewhere...and further after that i also realized, everytime i think of him my heart skipped a beat...everytime...oh no...what was really happening? can't be true...or has invested in some kind of feeling which will wreck and reek in the future?

yes, i started to like him...pure, i liked his spirit...his dreams he shared with me...his ambition. firdaus...even now, my heart beated faster than usual. i don't deserve him...but i needed him to fulfill my loneliness. he asked me whether i was jealous? well...who wanted to admit? anyway we just know each other. i told him, my heart skipped a beat...

he gave me his friendster link so i could check him out...one thing bout this guy was...he always taken me abacked. or was it me, who was like an open book? everybody knew what would my next step be? like my boss...she just knew and she was good...

i remembered the time i was closed with megat...we were like complete, we were funny, we shared jokes, we shared teasers, we even shared insults! then what happened? we argued and we left at the junction to where will never met again. this, honestly i was, still am afraid of...yeah, i'm a planner...i wanted everything under my control, i'm organized person...and i wanted to able to have all environment under control. but, the question was...could i?

no, i couldn't and that was why...my heart beat faster...skipped beat when i was thinking of him... firdaus. he was definitely too young...that left me feel edgy when i had communication with him. nonetheless...i still want his company.

..so how now?

'babe. this is my ic number. 851111-12-5099. what r u doing there?'. that's how exactly one sms from firdaus sound on 10.11.09 at around 10.49pm. i was like, what? are you saying your birthday is in 2 hrs and only now yoy are telling?

yeah, great then. that particular moment i was out with my brother...he came to pickup his car...so...i can't be so action anymore la.

ok, ok...the point is...at around mid night i called to wish him happy birthday but he never pick up the calls. that was ok, i sent sms wishes instead.

this morning...he woke me up with his sms. and i called him...he, for some reasons are suspicious lot too. hmm...i wonder how i wanted to tackle this problem...well, if it became one. yeah, obviously it will...he's 10yrs my junior ok!

ah...how i don't want to think about it now.

p/s - i surrender true fitness last night.

..have i ever mentioned...

i was surprised...indeed, very. i started to start talking to this guy...firdaus that i saw him from the bowling tournament. to my surprise...he knew exactly what was happening on the day...yeah on the tournament day.

argh...how was that suppose to happen? i thought nobody paid any attention to me except that my crazy as hell team mates! but there were...this guy named firdaus...was actually paid his attention and not just that...to every details...i did on the day! what i've eaten...my breakfast sandwiches and that i'd my lunch on the day...

yeah, of course i was stunt. or rather speechless...like...'erk...you know?, can't be true...' of how can one paid that much of attention to me? so much that he knew most of the thing i did on the day...gosh...embarrassed.

argh...firdaus...no wonder you can spot me even without sapura shirt...never felt so shocked like this before...

..and really pissed off i was...

it was on wednesday when i got the sms...a meeting with mr. lee on the 5th...that was yesterday. so, i wasn't that surprised that being called by the 2nd director...it was what he wanted to know.

ok, so sarina will be in the meeting as well..i must regard that would be due to the sensitive issue with the vendors...it must have been.

so, yesterday...we held the meeting ended up me, shouting at sarina because of her stupidity...maximum!!! and i told her boss, fazilah and eventually she was called in boss' room. served her right with her stupidity...

my concern now, i felt like...i can do almost anything to get this poor bastard out of my eyes...i know that was evil...lets see if she dared to cross me again...she should have leant the lesson but...knowing this bastard...she wont, and weren't.

lets cross fingers.

..everything now in place...resolved!

finally boss, had digested result from AR audit report. fazilah will still be leading her team with hopeful of improvement. and i was such a release to get to know boss has drop the idea to reshuffle her team...which was scary for me.



so, what's new? hmm...it was bowling tournament last saturday and it went well. very well indeed till i met this one guy...nice and cute one. his name is firdaus. from sapura industrial. of how i get to know him?



well, during bowling...i teamed with all guys, so...i knew i'll be bullied by them eventhough they were great team members. so, happened...next to us, was sapura industrial team...our rival was from sapura crest.



i didn't actually realized i'd been watched...and i'd been watched...by the other team! oh yeah, i didn't waer sapura's team t shirt. so, with hopeful...that nobody will know me...sort of...



so, when i was on my way back...i followed this one guy...he was with his friend. so, suddenly he watched over his back and...there it started. he said hi...and to my suprise...he recognized me as one of the sapura global's players! hmm...




so...i told him i was on my way back home, which i actually...wanted to buy some fruits but cancelled my intention because suddenly my attention went to him =)



so, we chatted for a while...down the escalator and he said he had to go to levi's store or something...which i was desparately wanted to continue my chat with him...which i found interesting. argh...i wanted to ask for his mobile number but i didn't want to be seen deparate. so, what did i do? since he wasn't asking for my mobile either.



well, if he was interested in me...he would have asked. so, instead, i asked for email address...luckily it was so easy to remember or i was so damn genius when it came to 'interesting' guy thing...you know...it was saturday and there woulnd't be any connections till weekdays eh...well, i must passed 48hr test excellently!



my heart was racing when he shouted over shoulder to email him...that time i was thinking he must be some kind of guy whom really will evaluate one person before he gave out his mobile number...so do i...




anyway, on monday...i sent him email from my company mail...and then, i received sms...from him . then we started our conversation. and then i knew that he was watching me...all the while, he knew my points! how rediculous! never mind that, he called me comel...and hey cuty...i was like, excuse me?




so, we exchanged sms...for 3 days now. i knew he was single and still is because he was with a male friend remember...not a girlfriend and, and he replied my sms almost immediately. so? wasn't that strong enough to proof he was single? ok, we exchange sms till late at night every single night now...got it? well, i'm convinced...he even confessed that he had broken relationship with his girl...he was so into his work, workaholic!




now that i realized, not everybody can take workaholic seriously...they tend to or rather not to be involved with one. that was ok...i'm one.


so, last night we bet, of whether who will score higher pin drop when we played bowling again.





i'll be toasted!!! but that was fun...not that i was happy because he was happy...it pleased me when i made someone happy.





today...i'd my AR presentation...and i guess it was too bad an audit review so...

..or should i?

hmm...yeah should i or should i not? it's about office stuff of course...forget kk by now. it's way behind my back...i'm now content with stuff in the office...

who annoyed me the most and who delighted me the less...hahaha...what's the different anyway? ok, let go through it...this girl, or rather lady or may be just simply a woman, really start to annoy me at best! her name is sarina :) she start to dig really deep grave for herself...ok, i am mad.

last 2 days, i had meeting with my friends and colleagues hadi and husin discussing bout this woman whom we see can't do even simplest work she was assigned. yes, i'm not biased ok. she really can't....what she can do best was deligating the task to someone else...say her trainee...yes, i'm not exagerating.

i asked her to do the recon and produce me recon statement...she ask shafiq, the trainee whom i'm glad he able to learn fast or else. ok, i help him do the recon of course but again...he's willing to learn. that is the essence of working. commitment to learn...not just know how to deligate eh.

so, ok...i assigned her to do recon she obviously can't. i'm half through the story now...yeah...half of it. lets continue. then after our discussion we decided to talk to boss, that i will talk to boss. not that we wanted to screw her nor to stab her but for her own good. so she would learn.

last night, after i send my report that shows remarkably unsatisfactory result, i talked to boss. and subsequently stray to this woman's work...and ah, we have far bigger problem than just this woman...it's her boss! duh! double duh! boss think she's not capable of handling her tasks, duties and responsibilities . boss said, she's slow sometimes ignorance...that's why we had so many problems in her team. be it AP or AR and well she excel in treasury nonetheless.

and we talk bout who is the best person who can handle the tough tasks? yes, i can see she hinted me...but no, i'm not really interested in pursuing 'cash manager'...limit my creativity...my engineering capabilities...my ideas...or may be i should take up the challenge?

i can revamp as i wanted it to be...my way or highway! hhahhaha...sound powerful eh...ah, i don't know...boss trusted me to do that? or was she trying to fish me into doing it? i love my job, my task...extensive...i simply love it.

and for sarina, boss admits she doesn't know a thing only talking, loudly.

..kk is still in the air...

since it was so great an experience, we haven't done talking bout kk yet. still exchanging the photos and show off...kinda and still very much talking bout james...yeah, again james.

still talking bout the beautiful paradise in mamutik, manukan and sapi islands and how good we were during rafting...well or so like it.

well i even consider to move in kk...work there in hotel management, yes, crazy idea but yeah...i consider it...very hard. well, i don't want to cut it off while i was still there and wanted to come back after i've left everything here in kl. moreover, i'm city girl...can i stand kk...like out of town place? too far from civilization. even after 3 days in kk...i missed kl terribly but on 4th day...i didn't feel like going back!

lets think again.

life was great!!!!

..leave the land under the wind...

it has almost been a week i was in KK. spending time and money needless to say. and having so much of fun. i manage to submit one report, the most complicated ones and important one just before i left for KK.

i was great from the start, thank God. Alhamdulillah...the weather was fantastic! and only raining at night and the evening before we left for KL. the civilizations.

how i'm so speechless to say that...everything was so nice, was so fairy, was so damn great while staying in KK. Alhamdulillah nothing bitter, nothing at all...just a slight uncomfortable-ness. but that, i tried not to remember. only the most amazing thing lingered in my mind.

we start our first day, when we touched down in KK. checked in, rushed to pickup runner's pack for the marathon where...i felt so half heartedly bout running 21k the next morning. well, i ran nevertheless but only 10k and i believe, i did well. i ran the course all the way...i was grateful nothing bad happen...well not that bad since i've forgotten to wear socks. how i was forgotten?

i wore shoes in the cab...then only i knew that i didn't bring my running socks. ah, great! i only lost one toe nail and slower run as i've to adjust my feet every now and then. or i'll have a bloody feet by time i reached finishing point.

after that, i took the bus at pick up point back to hostel just happened that the bus stucked, yes...stucked under the fly over which eventually made us all walked or took another mean of transport. me, i was so lost...literally...until i found a police post and asked for direction. they said it was near...and made me walked around 20 more minutes to hostel and that was near...can't say much eh.

reached hostel and around 10am, rudi asked us out jalan-jalan KK tour. and so we went to bukit bendera, the observatory tower to see the whole town. and then from there we went straight to kinabalu park. i didn't realized it was so far from KK town. or may be it was far because of the road. we stopped at tamparuli, the suspension bridge and the proceed to pekan nabalu, again up on top of the observatory tower and witnessed mount kinabalu...s very clear.

then we went to timpohon of around 2,000m from sea level where it was the starting point to climb to mountain. after that we went to poring hot spring and i sweat like...nobody's business! we end our trip at kinabalu park when we stopped at kundasang and ranau. it was indeed nice place, cool places.

the next day...first thing in the morning, we got ready to our most dangerous activities of all...yeah rite. like it really was. white water rafting! and only knew that shera didn't actually knew that raft is a modern raft! she thought it was bamboo...oh puhlezzzz...i laughed at her thought of ideas like hell...it became a joke! how she was so naive.

kiulu river or tuaran river as known to the locals was grade 1-2 and sometime 3 when it rained the night before. the course was 9k with 15 rapids. i had great time, eventhough it wasn't so great to find out that i can't float in white water! even with the life jacket...nuh...how comes? never mind...the river guide was really helpful...he helped me when i drank how much water i couldn't count...and he was laughing.

he took me to the raft after we did body rafting and i couldn't get myself in. hahaha...that was hilarious. no, i wasn't jumped out of the raft even though there were fierce rapid along the way and we did hit all the rocks we could find...because it was fun and there where the fun lied.

i was shivering when we reached the ending point. where again i body rafted. yes, i was scared because the guide scared me when he said there were creatures under water. hey, seriously i can't figure myself more scare than in the water without knowing what were inside it!

after about one hour, oh yes...i didn't feel like leaving but heck we had to. we took our ride back to town...tired. and yeah...it wasn't really a serious pedalling since it was rapids remember. it flowed, like elevator!

on the way back we stopped by and bought buah tarap...some kind of jackfruit, well a smaller version and a bambangan sort of bachang kind of fruit. smell so strong! which finally it was given to rudi and the bambangan brough to office...great momentos.

the third day was even fabulous...remarkably fantastic and unforgettable. i went to the island park which till now, i felt like going back to the island...it was so nice, so peaceful and so, so...argh speechless...no word better described. the weather again was great. the first island was mamutik...yes the fishes were damn friendly. and the life guard too...he...hmm...tall dark and handsome! oh, how i bite my own tougue when i said this...he was so nice too. i think all people of sabah were really soft spoken and polite and nice. at least, during my stay.

at second island manukan, i was tired and lost my breath already. i didn't so snorkelling. just resting and having good time jalan-jalan along the beach. nice view. after that to sapi. i didn't want to miss anything here...so, i jumped to the sea again. and this nice guy who talked to my friend was so nice to bring further to the diving spot and see more under water. excited i was...and my guide was diving instructor. nice but...hmm...i didn't feel comfortable with him...as i said earlier. and i wanted to forget it. period.

the diving spot was greatly amazing! fantacy! fairy...everything was damn nice...yes, i wanted to spend more time there in the future. never mind if i turn tan...10 shades darker than i am now. for what great thing offered...i would jump for it a thousand times over!

forth day, i was suppose to do KK fun quest but due to missunderstanding...changed to wild cruise along klias river. i was told that it was crocodiles habitats and was advised not to play with water...however so, i won't play with the water as it was so black like charred!

yes, we saw probosis monkey a.k.a. bayau like 12x zoomed...yes they were shy creatures and hardly welcome human. and we saw few fireflies before we headed back as it started to rain. yeah...it just water and i liked it but it was KK we were talking about and 6pm was really dark. not willing to wait for any possibilities of rain to stop. it was around 60km from the town of KK but took me 2hr or so to reach the place. again, it was the road and the traffic!

i'd good fight with the driver, the guide when we had to follow two cars...was so slowed that we had no idea of why! yes, we could see there were nothing in front of them...of course, we were in the big van, a mini bus. we bet that i said, it must be men drivers whom bercinta and he bet it was lady drivers. turned out to be true, it was men!!! we had good laugh...

the next day was the day to travel back to KL...where i started to miss everything. everthing i enjoyed in KK. the people, the places, the environment, the weather, the beaches...the mountains, the crocker range...argh...even the traffic! i really loved sabah, especially KK. i'm loving it...

looking forward to be in KK again in the future!

report vs holiday of days

i've reports to submit and very much still under constructions! i'm literally panicking and stressful and wish all the luck in the world is for me. but it doesnt seems so. it seems more like obstacles along the way.

ok, it was my fault to have ym but it was invi for goodness sake. and my biggest problem, i can do much of work at home no matter how badly i wanted to. i just can't figure out why...i guess i've to try hard and force myself to basically do my work at home...occasionally.

for holiday packing was done, almost at least. only a few small things like sandals that i've decided not to buy. and telekung which i'm still not decided which one to bring. and my jawpaws that i just clean this morning =D

ok, that it...oh another one, still thinking which book to bring to KK. i dont know whether i'll have time for book or notebook that i'll bring together but...i will bring nonetheless...well, considering what ifs...yeah right!

i haven't really remind my boss that i'll be away for long. i'll have to produce these reports which still under construction to make my way to holiday and having good time without work at the back of my mind.

i don't train...for so long. i don't know if i could survive my half marathon. my best run. i don't even know if i'll ever run it! duh! it was scary thought that i'm not having enough training and wah...what an effort to fly all the way across the sea to run just not to run, wasn't it? so, i think i'll run. inshaAllah.

and typhoon...oh i'm so edgy bout the news. what's the weather like? would i be able to do what i've planned? would it be safe? oh...so many question in my mind. i really, really, really hope that thing will go fine as planned. amen.

i've alerted friends in KK that i'll be around for holiday. and looking forward for exciting holiday and expecting to have many beautiful photos!

..buying house and filling dreams...

i have dreams...many dreams...may be most of it associated with material. i want to have car, house, money, money and more money...and may be qualifications too.

but, i'm not that very fortunate...still, i'm grateful and feeling fortunate of what i have now...never one day i would want to prefer otherwise...hmm...may be for better. so i could pursue my other dreams...reading more books and writing books and gardening. well, mom and dad have plenty of space to garden anyway.

and i can open bookstore, or book for rent or library for that matter so, i could be in the athmosphere i love the most. and i can write and earn money...and become popular. yes, i love to be popular. better still, a best seller! ha ha, that's what we called dreams. keep dreaming and who knows it would come true one day? just work for it...

oh yeah, it was sometime knocked my mind that why is it matter when woman doesnt marries? well, i remember that the 'hukum' was initially harus...and that point i know i must check. it's in my mind that not being married is not 'haram'. or was it? wait. let me check again.

never mind, i can't find in the internet...i can't be bothered. too much info. i'll read from the book instead. think if i go to the curve now, is ok. or not? later...argh...again i put off thing...i'm total procratinator!

and...i'm forgetful. was it because i'm a single minded?

..dan yang kurik itu kundi...

it's been a week now after raya...yes it's still shawal...and still very much in holiday mood. and 3 reports are waiting to be submitted. wah, stressful.

hmm...i found new book store...not big but ok la...wide variety of fictions. and for 2 visits i've bought 3 books. it is really cheap, seriously. almost half of normal price! where can you find that? but still to hang out, borders is still the best and mph has wider choice.

ada banyak benda dalam kepala ni. report nak kena hantar, barang rumah nak kena beli, trip ke kk dah tak lama lagi, ah paling memening kan, larian yang hanya tinggal beberapa hari sahaja lagi...sedang latihan masih tak cukup. azam masih kuat, nak buat larian jauh besok...sekali ada rumah terbuka di rumah bos. ah, tidak boleh tidak...mesti kena menghadir kan diri.

..ramadhan yang mulia...

ramadhan sudah hampir ke penghujung...mlm ke 27 dah pun lepas...apa mungkin malam lebih baik daripada seribu malam tu milik kita? sedih...ramadhan akan berlalu sedikit masa lagi...ntah berjumpa ntah kan tidak ramadhan akan datang.

berjanji dan berazam dengan diri sendiri untuk bertarawikh penuh...tapi...nampak nya janji hanya tinggal janji...azam tidak dipenuhi. argh...begitu la...hingga 30 hari ramadhan hanya sempat menghabiskan 3 jusuk Quran. alangkah rugi nya...30 malam ramadhan...hanya kurang seminggu berteleku di tikar sembahyang...

sedang meminta pada yang Esa di bulan penuh rahmat lagi diberkati ini sepatutnya dilebih-lebih kan. meminta memang banyak...mungkin tak sepadan dengan ibadah pun tapi...bukan kah tempat meminta tu hanya pada-Nya? dan bukan kah Dia sahaja layak di minta-minta? hanya Dia yang maha besar...maha pemurah...minta hanya pada-Nya. dan sudah Dia katakan...minta pada Nya, Dia akan tunai kan.

begitu pun...ada hari yang mencabar...mencabar nafsu amarah...kasihan nenek. sudah seminggu tidak mendengar khabar berita. cerita nya cuma aku berkecil hati kerana...dilarang membeli barang rumah. sungguh kecil hati...tapi sebenar nya tak perlu berkecil hati...

kawan-kawan...seperti biasa...ada yang begitu menyenangkan hati...ada juga yang menguji kesabaran. apa pun itu kan cabaran nya...ilyas, adly yang sungguh-sungguh mengacau tenteram jiwa, megat hanya sebuah cerita tidak lengkap, awang...dia muncul semula, aris hilang ntah ke mana...biarkan, imran...satu virtual yang menyenangkan...dan sabri, yang aku tunggu tapi tak kunjung tiba...mungkin masa nya untuk lepas kan dia pergi...mula kan suatu yang baru, yang ada.

aku? di sini...masih mengagah diri mencari...apa mau ku. tapi, masih belum berjumpa...di mata di hati...kosong. tiada cahaya...masih meninta bahagia...tapi...bukan mudah. hati pernah hancur...hidup pernah goyah...luka sudah sembuh...ingatan masih teguh...mencari tonggak untuk meniti bahagia...menongkah arus, mencari titi kejayaan. sekali, bukan mudah di depan mata. usaha diiring doa...moga-moga cepat tiba...ke destinasi itu.

berjaya dan bahagia.

..mesmerized by books...

and more books...i read my first book on jeffrey archer and almost immediately i fall in...i was like mesmerized by his way of writing. so smooth...so intriguing...it was unputdownable...which captivate my attention toward many other books from other authors like charles dicken who always one of my all time favorite and new one, alexandre dumas. classic indeed.

actually...since my obsession with books is getting worse...i've lot of unread books on my shelves. when i look at it...i was always thinking...when would i read all these books? it was too many and still...i keep buying and no sign of stopping what i'm doing. it's like one theraphy which make me feel so good about myself. when i buy books...i felt relief...sort of satisfied.

it's expensive obsession, my running as well...i've to fork out many percentage of my household income...yeah right...and it's thousands for just a few months and that's for one, and only one bookstore and i buy from not just one. argh...it's expensive.

having to note this, i remember my last office attire shopping was like gazilion years ago...so as my running shoes. luckily, i didn't run or train that much so...having said that the need to buy new running shoes able to be put onhold. yeah...even the urge to buy is so intense, so intensed!

i missed my time to be able to shop again...may be because finance contraint...i don't feel like shopping...but well, not for books. that's why i said...it's just theraphy i can't ignore. i love to chill at bookstore...i love to be able to buy more books and love to curl in bed with good books and i really don't mind having sleepless night for amazing books like a prisoner of birth or my best friend's girl. i think it just worth it.

nevermind if i look almost zombie like...tired eyes, black circle around eyes...and having to spend more on supplement to help me 'enhance' my ability to 'alert' during office hour. never yet one time, i regret reading book dragged me wee hour and the next day means i'll be less alert.

actually...most of all, i'm worried. i'm worried bout my weight, my training during ramadhan and my financial stading right now. sigh. anyway...i'm praying that i'll be blessed during fasting month and my ibadah will be acceptable. amen.

..realizing life is hectic indeed...

my last 1 month and a half was hectic. with my work...and it was called deadline approaching...i cant just sit still...i run almost every part of the corner of the office to get my stuff done. done it was. and i must be thank Allah and be so grateful for His help and bless.

now that my daily life has back to normal or rather abnormal since i like busier me than nothing much to do me. i miss my KOTR 09 today...yeah, i wasn't have the courage, no guts to be truthful to run today. i hadn't enough traning for last couple of weeks. and worse, my calf injured when i moved my stuff out from old house.

that was the reason, but not the reason i couldnt run today as my calf has back to normal...but the reason for i didnt have my last minute training to 'fill' half empty 'jar' of my fitness capacity. thus, i know i could run good...you know being a 'perfectionist' and not be able to do thing unless everything is in good order wasnt feel good anyway.

and yeah, irfan loves me...well, he's my energetic and boisterous and magic and fantastic nephew i have...i love him too.

oh ok, i'm now reading dorothy koomson's my best friend's girl and i love it...i don't know...i just love to read anything on friendship...but not relationship...i can't seem to appreciate when it comes to books on husband, wifey...oh i didn't pick up such a book. not yet, not that i never tried but...i've no interest to read. might as well don't spend on thing won't do any good to me.

that's one...another is that. i'd like to write...a book...on my interest...but i ain't pretty sure what kind of fiction i'd write...but i'll try, i'll try it here....

..when i hear what i hear...

it was 3 in the morning when i woke up and realized that i slept in the couch in front of tv...at hall obviously. so lazy to get to bed, i just off the tv and got back to couch...it wasn't so windy out side, the weather was great.

and...when i hoped to close my eyes and continue dreaming...then only i realized that i heard sound...at first i was thinking that it a sound that wind made, well i'm at 11th floor! sound of the wind is something very usual. but it becoming increasingly irritating 30min later...and when i got up to close the window panels and the sliding doors...which yes, i always left it open wide...

then i heard it more clearly...it wasn't a wind that chimed...it was a sound of someone crying...been crying. non stop now for 30min then. so, i suddenly stop my intention to close the windows and doors...as i stopped and thought i should listen more carefully...was it wind that chimed or was it really someone's crying?

the crying, was wierd...at first, when i realized it was a crying...it was so consistent, the rhythm was consistent, the volume was consistent and that couldn't be someone crying because she's been abused nor a family feud that deul! that couldn't be it. it something else. something i've never heard or experience before. and it was almost 4 in the morning then when finally i was striken by fear.

yeah, i don't normally feel fear...and i was indeed stay home alone, usually...but luckily my brother was around that night in the other room, sleeping. when i felt restless as the crying sound came from just opposite block, which is the tennis court, top level...3 levels below my flat. and i didn't feel like closing the windows and doors for not to 'see' anything unusual...which i actually said to myself to take a peek...but i didn't.

i finally woke up from couch and head to my room. i closed the door behind me and lay down in my bed...but, i still could hear the crying sound eventhough my room was the other side of the flat. it was so loud but i still could hear it, clearly. oh, what should i do...that was one thing in my mind...should i just pretend that i didnt hear anything and forced my eyes to sleep? no i couldn't...i got up...

gathered my bed, my pillows, my blanket...knocked my brother's room and get everything in. i woke my brother up and tell him i'll be sharing his room...as i was scared. well, obviously i didnt wait for his answer nor did i want to hear it...i was ready with my stuff, stuffed in his room anyway. i laid down my head...oh, my brother's room was the farthest from the tennis court where i heard the sound but i could still hear it, softly...

nevermind, i wasn't that scare anymore...and i was actually forgotten to pray...for safety, i went away without saying my pray. gosh! how i could forgot that? it was nearly 5am when i settled down to sleep...and slowly the sound vanished or may be i've gone back to wonderland.

ok, 1 scary night down. but to my surprise, i heard it again last night!!! it started at 12am...oh...and nobody was home. oh, now only i start to pray. and i took my notebook, i play the Quran recitation and slowly drifted...well that was my brother's idea. as he didn't think i could sleep with some kind of irritation by hearing to the crying sound.

and tonight...i'm looking forward to see if i've enough courage to see what's crying on top of the 8th floors building!

my bestest friend...

he's just one amazing guy, fantastic friend...and fabulous, fabulous bestest friend i could ever ask.

he was my bestest friend in the uni...we were apart when he got married...and somehow...life is great thus we are united. well, of course we were friend and still are...i pray for it will be too...

it's nice to know that one special someone you can really count on...and he's your bestest friend in this entire world...not that i hope for any problem myself...but enough to know he will always be there for me....

..it is called determination...

i've lost one toe nail for what i called determination. and i didn't regret it one moment instead love for the fact that i've such determination even losing toe nail wasn't a problem and i would say...it wasn't that hurt.

well, it was a satisfying run more than what it hurt...the excitement surpassed the joints pain, the body ache even the dwelling thirst. all i could say is...it was great!

..piece of me...

it was really busy week, my FA doesnt wanna tally...well, it was taken from a manual calculation from previous acquired company. and it was so hard...not really but come to term of being insaturated!

i'm so, so kan cheung of running this weekend, my very first sckl. it would be a twenty one point seven km! wow! the lonngest i ran these days was like 7k? thus, this sckl would be very challenging. and the weekend after would be my outstation run. in ipoh, but i opted for a 10k. i cant be sure i still can run a half...

and after that my jelajah melaysia would start...for a week. in the east coast. hmm...have to take advance for that.

hmm...actually i just remember my friend...one of my friend, i ipoh. was a good friend of mine but we drawn apart, because we cant 'communicate'. i missed those days...

in life we must change...

must change indeed. for the better...not for worst! the longer we live the closer the time we are to the 'end'. thus, changes is a must to make life better and this world a better place.

i read bout my friend, well web pal, catra corbett...she just bounce and move forward. she's so brave. catra, if you read this...i really admire your spirit and wish i could be as good as yours! it's really inpiring.

lately, my life was so, so unfocus...i can't focus on work not my personal life nor my family's...just simply don't even care to live anymore. in short i've lost spark in my life and i really don't know why. i hardly back to the root...ask God, soul search or whatever. no i didn't. just simply stare out of window, asking...why was i being such a boring person and care less?

i don't have passion to live...and why was that?

..i am thankful...

last nite i went to train at local indie gym...indie here is independent...not a franchise like one i tag with true fitness or fitness first.

so, the thing was that...the folks, they are ok, train and having said that, they are body builders too...and no, i wasnt drooling ok. it was just another sight...and my innocent eyes are still protected. yeah, rite!

oh, yeah...why am i thankful? i went there to train for sckl...thus i only did my usual supposedly 5k but my intention was to do 10k...a long run. nevermind the intervals. oh...i was carried away again, it was the treadmill...charge me electric static! it raised my hair, seriously. and when i touched the metal...i've got electric shock, of course a minor one. but it did me uneasiness...

during my run, may be they were like...this girl must be having no idea that they have classes over too. so, one of the staff came approaching me and told me that i could join the class. i was just smiling as i just really wanted to run, to train. it was a rm7/entry charge.

well, i cant compare this local gym to one international ones. not fair. and i must admit that this gym, was just as good...enough facilities and on top of that, they have classes!

..the wrong side of the river...

why ponder thus the future to foresee, and jade thy brain to vain perplexity? cast off thy care, leave Allah's plans to Him-He formed them all without consulting thee. .

it's taken from one of books i read. it's three cups of tea. true story of a man to promote peace thru education, one school at a time. and now at published time i'm still reading it. i'll put up my review once i've done reading.

hmm...tonight i plan to run 10k at local indi gym near my house. per entry fee is rm7 which, i think i could survive it but...i must really utilize it, if i could do 15k, i must as well do it.

i'm too nervous to face the race day...i could feel the heat...even hotter everyday.

..worried of sckl...

well, not enough training indeed...it has been a while since my last run and to make thing worse, a long time since my last long run...

..life has to go on

..i've to change my blog link...360 is going to close soon!