..it's the last day of the year 2009...

and the last final hour in 2009! and i only had small accomplishments or rather unsatisfied ones...but alhamdulillah nothing bad happened.

so, surfing through to 2010...with all promises and hopes and dreams still very much intact and so much of anticipatitions...inshAllah will come true.

despite all happiness and excitement to welcome 2010 in just a few more hour...there is something no-so-good to hear melody...not a good song to sing. well, it's about mom. yeah, i took a heavy breath just now...mom is one test Allah...has tested us all, my sibling. we are so depressed...well given that we do not know how depressed our mom is.

if it is about mom and i must guarantee myself that nothing...would be good to hear if depressed has made it appearances.

the more i think bout mom...the more i appreciate dad. the more i look high to him...seriously. i would never ever be able to do as good as dad, given what he had done and still doing for us. i am sorry dad for what had happened and what i had done and broke your heart. i'm sorry. seriously. deadly sorry...

for all your sacrifice and attention and care and love and everything...i really appreciate it. not that i don't appreciate mom...i do of course. this time, i want to express my gratitute of having dad as my hero, hero of my life. i couldn't be thankful more for what i had...have...or even will be having.

thanks dad, Allah, please bless us all...

..brand new year about to make major appearance...

ok, it has been quite a while since my last 'real' blog not just a simple update. not that nothing to write or blog about but, wasn't really inpired to write...even after signing in. sigh...

may be there are a lot of thing in my mind or rather planned and so much more...firdie included. i've made a list, short list for my new year's resolution and had already take a peek for this year's resolutions and accomplishments. of course not many...many failures rather.

oh before i forget, let me quote this...one i took from a friend's fb...from mark twain which i think realistic.
"twenty years from now you'll be mpre dissappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. so throw off the bowlines. sail away from the safe harbour. catch the trade winds in your sails. explore. dream. discover". nicely quote and really was dedicated to me!

ok, today is 29th and we haven't get our pay yet. so, what? it's late again...nothing so new or news about. i'm planning for my biggie time to celebrate new year's eve this year with bunch of friends...but shall see how.

and, today i saw the national footballer, the twin but of course i didn't know who's who...but yeah he was so cute eh...i told dila, cuz i was with her awaiting for pauline to withdraw money at cimb bank, kelana mall. he, for one reason...looking at our direction, may be he was attracted to dila, who obviously looking nicer than i am...but i could see his eyes also to my direction...ok, i was perasan, but well, nothing to lose!

i wish i had more guts to say hi, or congratulate him for bringging gold medal back to malaysia after 20 years of long waiting! it something if not everything. well, i didn't...i felt sorry for myself that i didn't congratulate him...sigh...

and, after so very long...i've quite, firdie finally texted me today, just now. i was full blown excited now...feeling so great too! thanks fir!

so, next year's resolution .

1. do my mba in forensic audit at uitm
2. run 5 major races i.e. putrajaya night marathon, sckl, siemens, ipoh run, borneo and kotr
3. learn how to swim
4. trade in klse - o&g counter, sapuracrest included
5. buy a house!!! at damansara area
6. save more money as i won't have any other hutang except personal financing
7. pay off study loan
8. may be i should save for a tag heuer too...
9. read all the books i've been spending, like thousands of rm!

ok, not too many or i must know i couldn't handle it! i'm perfectionist remember? and a chronic procrastinator too!

..by any chance...

you believe in bad luck? believe that you were not supposed to be born? argh...sometime, i almost close to believe...but because i'm not suppose to, so...i don't.

how envy i am with other luckier people? having life...good ones, support? unconditional love -that they say unconditional wasn't really love anyway- heroes, luxury, genius and everything else i didn't own, have? of course...i tried, hard, harder and even hardest till i drop and give myself a good cry.

who know this? nobody...only Him the almighty...and yes, i'm BIG of an ego that i couldn't show my true emotion or may be i'm lack of it somehow...

i told myself...i want to write notes to Allah...so i can express my feeling, my frustration, my hope and my everything...since the only one would listen is Him...i think i should start soon...or i'll be depressed...with life and failures...and lack of accomplishments!

and yes...i really feel...like i wanna die but i still wanna live for i want to feel how success tastes like...how when solat really serened me...how when i talk to God...i feel better...but, i'm bad in many way...sigh...sigh...

..so he does change?

yeah, so what if he does change? human changes...so do i. let him be...and i'll collect whatever along they way to here...from yesterday.

i never regret i found him and be his friend and actually i enjoy it every second! eventhough last few days...i don't feel quite like myself but i manage to overcome the day and here i am...happy again...and yes, last few days...it was all crying days...i hate life...and what life has offered.

now, here i am again...bounce back from all the grieves and it's just ok, if firdaus isn't my friend again...anyway he was just a casual fling...just that he leaves when i'm not ready and willingly...not that i chased him away...i think that served me right...usually i made people...i chased people...now, i was left! well, that's life...what goes around comes around.

today, we were out luncheon for husin's birthday...i'm happy again despite my worrysome of tasks and kpi to achieve this quarter...i'm not quite myself...that much is true...i can't do my job...

and...2010 is approaching and what do i accomplish in 2009? i guess, none! sigh...what stored for me in 2010? new challenges? further study? no more foya2? yeah right...

i wish...my salary will be revised and so as my position, amen.

..so i don't have any plans...

like, great...i don't have plan at all! hey...what i should do? tag along someone? or just spend the whole damn time alone at bookstore?

argh...fantastic! . since when i never have problem with time...lucky God only give 24 hrs! just fine, no more no less...still i find it too long sometimes...wah...seriously dead meat!

firdaus...i think, it just stop here. and i wont missed him...i think it better be this way, his way...if he thinks he better leave now, it really means now. and i dont have any objections...

..new moon and me...and bella...

well, not so fresh from the movie. i went for it at cathay...yeah like i've somewhere else to go...for new moon. on my way, on radio...i heard so many bad review till i feel like...ah, this must be a waste of time! and money...

i told my boss, she said just proceed so i will know. and, i did...i rest assured all doubts.

ah, how surprisingly that i like the movie nonetheless. it felt like i was bella...the lack of emotion girl...and i think i like it because i read the book...and i can put the situation into the movie.

i shed tears...why? because i think, it was real...when you are sad and all you wanna do is get over with it...and for it...along the way, you'll lose the sense of emotion...at least, i am.

and, firdaus...my guts tell me, i don't feel like talking to the same firdaus i met on 15.10.2009 eventhough i've his photos, his web, his everything...all i've gotta know. but no, i dont feel assured.

hmm...meanwhile, we exchange photos...he always make me commit to giving him one or may be i'm so prevailing...now he has two of my photos...one which taken during bowling and today, taken from office. ok, ok...so, dila knows bout him...shared the photos of him with her...which somehow i feel...that this firdaus...is for dila...and not me.

ah, hell with it...not that i'm in love with this firdaus whatsoever...i take it as a casual fling. like i always have...my reputation had it that i made friends whereever i go, whatever i do...and eventually became good ones. and i must guess, firdaus too...

ok, he made me feel content, happy and look forward for a brand new day...except yesterday that his morning really snapped my sanity and senses...so, i like...hmm...not yet, i'm comfortable with this friendship at least for now.

i like it when he said...'i'll kiss your lips'...it sound so sexy and melt away my made of steel heart! yeah, that's hot! hahaha...and i like when he said...'damn, i want your kisses' and 'i wanna kiss you'. i feel loved...if it's the right word to say...i feel my emptiness slowly to be fulfilled...

and it's all because of firdaus...and last 28.11.09 is my best friend's engagement day...it felt like i'm losing her...and that what actually ignite my bad day, yesterday...