..for he, firdaus so kind...

and i've no idea why he's been so very kind. it must have been because of our agreement and as he always said, he wanted to treat me good for that.
i really hope he did it genuinely...because he really feel like he expressed it.

that is one, another is that he needs lotsa money, cold hard cash. really a lot...speaking of RM50k!!! like seriously! what he's gonna do with RM50k? he was reluctant to tell tale how he comes to need that money that much and i assume, it was too private to let me know. and i never insist him telling. he asked me how to go about in applying for personal financing.

so, i checked for him around...all available banks and best rate offered in town. well, bank rakyat is the one. for i believe, sapura has panel bank rakyat for any personal financing i suggested that to him and told him the requirement in applying for one. however, there was slight hic up when SIB isn't panel bank rakyat for the said mean. thus, the process will be longer as the company need to register with the bank.

so, i search around best options available for him to execute his mean. and...this include last resort. if he couldn't apply, i will. for him and he'll pay to me. and there would be a lot more trail if this take place. i'll need a prove i lend him the money that much. and may be i need a lawyer too. well, not just MOU.

i did seek legal advice from our company lawyer how to go about and safe guard both parties interest. she said, legalize the document.
1. sign an agreement - friendly loan
2. get 2 witnesses - one each parties
3. get it stamp - 0.05% of the loan amount
4. have some kind of colleteral - post dated cheques for instance
5. get all contact - latest addresses, contact numbers etc

yes, i trust him but i don't want my trust being 'used' or 'missused' or anything in between. because it's RM50k and it's for 15yrs...how many IFs i should be counting? it takes only RM30k under bancruptcy act to declare npl...that's scary fact. i couldn't take this as simple chance even though it hasn't been applied yet. he promised me he'll get it paid in 4yrs.

he did thank me for 'allowing' such a gesture, an act to help him with his family problem. he told me that his mom family back in sabah chasing his mother for that much money and they don't have it. well, for obvious reason, i don't need to care about him...let alone to help him. he don't even care if i love him. don't even care if i'm exist. but i put extra effort to risk myself, for him. would he realize this?

would he? the risk i take, that i don't even do for my parents!!! can anyone in their right mind do this? can anyone? he is nobody...just the person i love so much. that's all. i don't know if my action is the right ones. don't even know.

i hope, i pray...only Allah will reward me for what i've done and i pray there would be nothing bad happen in between. i just couldn't take it. not even now...i'm still thinking, hard. what am i suppose to do? what is the best option?

what if he vanished? like he always said? what if? what if? what if? and what happen? how am i gonna treat this RM50k? damn!!! i've no bloody idea!!! am i a fool? i think i am...

oh Allah, what should i do? oh Allah, in your name the most merciful...help me please. give me a way out, give us a way out from this problem...please.

a good surprise...

Alhamdulillah! syukur pada Allah yg maha mulia, maha kuasa...pada kurnia dan rahmat nya yang tak pernah putus. terima kasih ya Allah...aku amat bersyukur.

pertama, aku diberi 2 orang pembantu untuk menyelesaikan kerja2 tertangguh ku...alangkah, hilang rasa nya separuh beban dalam hati dan kotak fikiran ini...rasa bersyukur sangat yang Dia mendengar rintihan dan doa ku agar dipermudahkan perkerjaan ku...

kedua nya, Firdaus...aku keluar untuk makan tengahari dengan dila dan khaizul seperti biasa bila dia menelefon...pada aku tiada apa yang luar biasa nya...kerana dia memanggil ketika dia bosan atau memerlukan sesuatu pertolongan...jarang sekalo kerana dia rindu. ya, dia rindu kan aku...aku...sungguh merasa seperti di awangan bila katanya 'sayang awak...'. and for that, i'll have to reply...'sayang awak juga'. it was in the public...and he clearly heard so happy...

i'm speechless and so surprise...i was asking myself, was there anything at all i did very good or great thing to deserve a 'sayang awak...' from firdaus? above all...i'm so very thankful, felt really blessed, very, very happy...more than happy...extremely overwhelmed. Alhamdulillah. i smile for myself after hearing it...i just couldn't believe it. i heard it even though i was asking myself of whether i was hearing it right...i love you firdaus, so much. you would never know...

yesterday, he was on outing with a girl...his admirer from uni time. yes, of course i was god, damn jealous...but what can i do to stop him? i just can say...i am so greatly jealous and couldn't stop thinking bout him. yeah, the day before i was with him the whole day...going for a good lunch at ikea restaurant, play a round of bowling and a movie marathon (predator and ong bak, it was so boring) and having dinner together before i send him back home.

yes, i couldn't stop thinking bout him. yes, it is my prayer...that his heart and mine are one. amen.

i was given a doa from jun, doa untuk kekasih...my prayer for firdaus...ya Allah, perkenankan lah doa ku...dan ini la doa yang sungguh menyentuh hati...


BISMILLAHIRROHMANIRRAHIM..

Allah Yang Maha Pemurah, terimakasih Engkau telah menciptakan dia dan mempertemukan saya dengannya.

Terimakasih untuk saat-saat indah yang boleh kami nikmati bersama.
Terimakasih untuk setiap pertemuan yang boleh kami lalui bersama.
Terimakasih untuk setiap saat-saat yang lalu.
Saya datang bersujud dihadapan-Mu,
Sucikan hati saya yaa Allah, sehingga dapat melaksanakan kehendak dan rencana-Mu dalam hidup saya.

Yaa Allah, jika saya bukan pemilik tulang rusuknya, (yang aku doa kan pada Mu, aku lah dia pemilik nya)
janganlah biarkan saya merindukan kehadirannya.
Janganlah biarkan saya melabuhkan hati saya di hatinya.
Kikislah pesonanya dari pelupuk mata saya
dan usirlah dia dari relung hati saya.
Gantilah damba kerinduan dan cinta yang bersemayam di dada ini dengan kasih dari dan pada-Mu yang tulus dan murni.
Tolonglah saya agar dapat mengasihinya sebagai sahabat.

Tetapi jika Kau ciptakan dia untuk saya, yaa Allah,
tolong satukan hati kami.
Bantulah saya untuk mencintai, mengerti dan menerima dia seutuhnya.
Berikan saya kesabaran, ketekunan, dan kesungguhan untuk memenangkan hatinya.
Urapilah dia agar dia juga mencintai, mengerti dan mau menerima saya
dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan saya sebagaimana saya telah Kau ciptakan.
Yakinkanlah dia bahwa saya sungguh-sungguh mencintai dan rela membagi suka dan duka saya dengan dia.

Yaa Allah Maha Pengasih, dengarlah doa saya ini.
Lepaskanlah saya dari keraguan ini menurut kasih dan kehendak-Mu.
Allah Yang Maha Kekal, saya tahu Engkau senantiasa memberikan yang terbaik buat saya.
Luka dan keraguan yang saya alami pasti ada hikmahnya.
Pergumulan ini mengajar saya untuk hidup makin dekat pada-Mu, untuk lebih peka terhadap suara-Mu
yang membimbing saya menuju terang-Mu.
Ajarlah saya untuk tetap setia dan sabar menanti tibanya waktu yang telah Engkau tentukan.
Jadilah kehendak-Mu dan bukan kehendak saya yang jadi dalam setiap bagian hidup saya, yaa Allah.

ya Allah, jadikanlah di dalam hati-hati kami ini mawaddah dan rahmah, tenang lagi memenangkan, sayang menyayangi, kasih mengasihi, cinta menyintai dan Kau redhai la hubungan kami, permudahkan la urusan jodoh kami...jadikan lah kami jodoh yang kekal baik dunia dan akhirat...


Amin….

ya Allah...tuhan yang maha memperkenankan doa, perkenankan lah doa ku. sungguh, aku menyayangi firdaus kerana Mu...jadikan lah dia petunjuk ku ke jalan mu....redha kan lah hati ku...dengan kelebihan dan kekurangan dia...jadikan lah dia hati yang menerima kekurangan ku...perkenankan lah...tuhan ku...aku mohon pada Mu, tiada lain kuasa selain kuasa dan kekuasaan MU....

life so complicated...

this post has suppose to be on 31.7.10...when i received a couple of sms from firdaus...says, 'i can't bear my ego anymore =('. and another was 'wanna call you sayang. cant take my ego already =('.

for that i was so god, damn happy to read that...i was over the moon, heel over head, ah you name it...i'm so overwhelmed! happy giler...

that when he was at kampung in perak. i wanna hear that again...and again...and again...