..i think i better be a terminator...

than a human. human get hurt, terminator doesnt, nor did bionic woman. i'm bit by bit becoming human when i be friended with firdaus. and i think it does more no good than one.

i'll get myself hurt again, sooner or later. i just can't bear hurt anymore...i've given my heart away long ago...then i suffer did not...and i don't care if i'm a machine. the hurt is unbearable. i can't trade anything for temporary happiness and humanity and later i know exactly that i'll be hurt.

i hate being human...feel like human...the happiness human offers, they can turn out to be something hurtful. like with firdaus...

..and when the tide was low...

i missed spectacular moment before dawn today. yeah, it was leonid meteor shower on the east sky...i set my alarm...i woke up but i couldn't see from my window...it was actually the other side of the sky...i was mistaken when i thought my room was facing east...it faces the west.

i woke up twice, at 4am which i mingled around to witness the rare moment in life...and another was at 5am...and this time i didn't actually move from my bed...just knowing that the sky was bright...how stupid i was for thinking that might be the bright from a full moon...

till i had a dream about snapping photos of the meteor shower myself...and for that...i was really sorry for myself...

and woke up this morning, for knowing i've missed all the great moment in life...i was doomed...and so down...and my colleague said, i look like corpse...or was it the make up...sheibe! and i was so tired too...

and him...who else...firdaus...i couriered down his birthday present...or rather a token of friendship...a small one...and i knew he was out of office the whole day as i called the courier service and confirm delivery...yet he was yet to receive it...so, in the evening when i was on my way to the curve to buy my mom's pots...he texted me...so, we start exchanging text...

which it seems forever to know if he has already received the package which also...i must know he didn't...so, i spoilt the surprise...and spilled the beans...i asked whether he had received my package...he was so surprised and he called me...to ask what was it...i said, i've spoilt the thrill...i won't going to spoil further...he really has to wait...

and last night...he went out with somebody...somebody...mind you...it couldn't just be anyone...it was somebody...no one will be mistaken to use word somebody for no reason eh...so, yes...i felt down...yet another down for me...oh, he asked me when would my birthday be...i didn't tell...

today, i consider a really doom day...till my boss told me a story of hers...that she was mistakenly sent text to she thought would have be her staff...but hell no...so, this guy now...stalking her...and he, didn't mind when my boss confessed that she was actually a matured woman and as old as his mother!!!!

this alone had made me smiled...and laughed first in the day...how i should have done that...to tell firsdaus that i was also a matured woman...now, too late to tell...

oh yeah, before that i've had conflict with imran just because, just because...of firdaus. that he thought i would played this guy out...i would have but no, not when he is really young, a 10 years my junior!!!!

let us see what happen...

..it's firdaus in my head...full of him...

it's firdaus, firdaus, firdaus and firdaus for a thousand time over...keep resounding in my head. it's so...wonderful feeling i haven't feel for so long...very long time now. do i crave and long for this feeling to come again?

i remember asking God to let me feel again...the feeling, not for me to lose how wonderful the feeling was when i had it. now, at this very moment...i feel so lucky and blessed that i feel like this again. and it was all for firdaus...my sunshine...at least for now even not for long...or won't be for long.

we rarely speak over the phone, he seems reluctant to pick up the call everytime...that suspicious but i don't really mind...well, why would i? he said, he won't cheat...so? yeah, i mean so what? so what if i buy or not? anyway...we are just in a stage of getting to know each other...not just more, but a little...little by little...i'm so secretive now...even my age.

come to think of it, i'd 35 next year...yeah, like months away...yes, still it just a number but biological number as well...

i'm happy firdaus is with me...i mean...as a friend now. even so, he didn't reply my sms so often or doesn't really wanna hang out together for social activities...i think, his friendster said he is naive and innocent...is quite right despite him trying to be naughty...

what? no...i'm not making stories...let me put his sms to me last night...sound 'so, you are curling in your bed already? can i join?'. yeah...indeed i was shocked...but still politician in me playing part...told him i was curling in my bed, no book just bed to conclude a hectic sunday. and for him joining, i said yeah...in his own bed. and...what he replied? he said...'i mean we both, together in one bed'. and yeah really...i start to think that he is no innocent after all.

trying to be naughty he is...but that's ok...he should be naughty...it's time for him to enjoy life and learn...

me...i still feeling afloat bout him...i save his photo as my wallpaper...in my hp. yeah right, wait someone will discover...but that's ok...i like him. so what?

yeah, this is the point where the start of the problem occured...or hopefully not.

it was only 2 weeks...

yes, it was...and the feeling groomed. ah, this is not right...this is all wrong for all the wrong reasons. wht? me! and firdaus...

how can i make right? o wait...i'm having conversation with him now...let me cut and paste. cannot...he said he's a busy man and dont even have time to find girl so, he'll let his mom find for him...hmm...i guess i was worried for no reason at all...he just wanna be my friend.

may be we could a close friend...like me and imran? we are close...so close that we exchange insults like nothing happened...

but...i really started to like this guy...may be because he is really good looking, welll yummy say imran...and he's atheletic too and a second lieutenant! how an impressive resume! i love it...every bit of it...

yes, i love rotu...of course since school for that i mean uni time...and i love athlete...i'm one! but ah, damn he's not interested in me...and has not suppose to get interested in me...or we both would be in big trouble or rather...BIG...trouble...

but, again, i like him nonetheless...

..so he is mr lieutenant...

yeah, he's young lieutenant and an athlete too...amazing...for i really adore those tough people...and happen he is one. great...

'waaaa...haha, i forgot to tell u. sigh. 28/10/09. hehe, cash rm300, ic, cards, license, precious wallet, all gone. hahaha.. :p'. the second i read the word precious, i knew it must be from his girlfriend...well his ex he said. and true enough...he told me so, when i asked whether he has himself a new one.

and suddenly a twinge of jealousy hit my feeling. and suddenly i realized, something is not right somewhere...and further after that i also realized, everytime i think of him my heart skipped a beat...everytime...oh no...what was really happening? can't be true...or has invested in some kind of feeling which will wreck and reek in the future?

yes, i started to like him...pure, i liked his spirit...his dreams he shared with me...his ambition. firdaus...even now, my heart beated faster than usual. i don't deserve him...but i needed him to fulfill my loneliness. he asked me whether i was jealous? well...who wanted to admit? anyway we just know each other. i told him, my heart skipped a beat...

he gave me his friendster link so i could check him out...one thing bout this guy was...he always taken me abacked. or was it me, who was like an open book? everybody knew what would my next step be? like my boss...she just knew and she was good...

i remembered the time i was closed with megat...we were like complete, we were funny, we shared jokes, we shared teasers, we even shared insults! then what happened? we argued and we left at the junction to where will never met again. this, honestly i was, still am afraid of...yeah, i'm a planner...i wanted everything under my control, i'm organized person...and i wanted to able to have all environment under control. but, the question was...could i?

no, i couldn't and that was why...my heart beat faster...skipped beat when i was thinking of him... firdaus. he was definitely too young...that left me feel edgy when i had communication with him. nonetheless...i still want his company.

..so how now?

'babe. this is my ic number. 851111-12-5099. what r u doing there?'. that's how exactly one sms from firdaus sound on 10.11.09 at around 10.49pm. i was like, what? are you saying your birthday is in 2 hrs and only now yoy are telling?

yeah, great then. that particular moment i was out with my brother...he came to pickup his car...so...i can't be so action anymore la.

ok, ok...the point is...at around mid night i called to wish him happy birthday but he never pick up the calls. that was ok, i sent sms wishes instead.

this morning...he woke me up with his sms. and i called him...he, for some reasons are suspicious lot too. hmm...i wonder how i wanted to tackle this problem...well, if it became one. yeah, obviously it will...he's 10yrs my junior ok!

ah...how i don't want to think about it now.

p/s - i surrender true fitness last night.

..have i ever mentioned...

i was surprised...indeed, very. i started to start talking to this guy...firdaus that i saw him from the bowling tournament. to my surprise...he knew exactly what was happening on the day...yeah on the tournament day.

argh...how was that suppose to happen? i thought nobody paid any attention to me except that my crazy as hell team mates! but there were...this guy named firdaus...was actually paid his attention and not just that...to every details...i did on the day! what i've eaten...my breakfast sandwiches and that i'd my lunch on the day...

yeah, of course i was stunt. or rather speechless...like...'erk...you know?, can't be true...' of how can one paid that much of attention to me? so much that he knew most of the thing i did on the day...gosh...embarrassed.

argh...firdaus...no wonder you can spot me even without sapura shirt...never felt so shocked like this before...

..and really pissed off i was...

it was on wednesday when i got the sms...a meeting with mr. lee on the 5th...that was yesterday. so, i wasn't that surprised that being called by the 2nd director...it was what he wanted to know.

ok, so sarina will be in the meeting as well..i must regard that would be due to the sensitive issue with the vendors...it must have been.

so, yesterday...we held the meeting ended up me, shouting at sarina because of her stupidity...maximum!!! and i told her boss, fazilah and eventually she was called in boss' room. served her right with her stupidity...

my concern now, i felt like...i can do almost anything to get this poor bastard out of my eyes...i know that was evil...lets see if she dared to cross me again...she should have leant the lesson but...knowing this bastard...she wont, and weren't.

lets cross fingers.

..everything now in place...resolved!

finally boss, had digested result from AR audit report. fazilah will still be leading her team with hopeful of improvement. and i was such a release to get to know boss has drop the idea to reshuffle her team...which was scary for me.



so, what's new? hmm...it was bowling tournament last saturday and it went well. very well indeed till i met this one guy...nice and cute one. his name is firdaus. from sapura industrial. of how i get to know him?



well, during bowling...i teamed with all guys, so...i knew i'll be bullied by them eventhough they were great team members. so, happened...next to us, was sapura industrial team...our rival was from sapura crest.



i didn't actually realized i'd been watched...and i'd been watched...by the other team! oh yeah, i didn't waer sapura's team t shirt. so, with hopeful...that nobody will know me...sort of...



so, when i was on my way back...i followed this one guy...he was with his friend. so, suddenly he watched over his back and...there it started. he said hi...and to my suprise...he recognized me as one of the sapura global's players! hmm...




so...i told him i was on my way back home, which i actually...wanted to buy some fruits but cancelled my intention because suddenly my attention went to him =)



so, we chatted for a while...down the escalator and he said he had to go to levi's store or something...which i was desparately wanted to continue my chat with him...which i found interesting. argh...i wanted to ask for his mobile number but i didn't want to be seen deparate. so, what did i do? since he wasn't asking for my mobile either.



well, if he was interested in me...he would have asked. so, instead, i asked for email address...luckily it was so easy to remember or i was so damn genius when it came to 'interesting' guy thing...you know...it was saturday and there woulnd't be any connections till weekdays eh...well, i must passed 48hr test excellently!



my heart was racing when he shouted over shoulder to email him...that time i was thinking he must be some kind of guy whom really will evaluate one person before he gave out his mobile number...so do i...




anyway, on monday...i sent him email from my company mail...and then, i received sms...from him . then we started our conversation. and then i knew that he was watching me...all the while, he knew my points! how rediculous! never mind that, he called me comel...and hey cuty...i was like, excuse me?




so, we exchanged sms...for 3 days now. i knew he was single and still is because he was with a male friend remember...not a girlfriend and, and he replied my sms almost immediately. so? wasn't that strong enough to proof he was single? ok, we exchange sms till late at night every single night now...got it? well, i'm convinced...he even confessed that he had broken relationship with his girl...he was so into his work, workaholic!




now that i realized, not everybody can take workaholic seriously...they tend to or rather not to be involved with one. that was ok...i'm one.


so, last night we bet, of whether who will score higher pin drop when we played bowling again.





i'll be toasted!!! but that was fun...not that i was happy because he was happy...it pleased me when i made someone happy.





today...i'd my AR presentation...and i guess it was too bad an audit review so...