..time is running out...

hmm...adelin abdullah is my alter ego. created just to fulfill someone whom really damn desperately wanted to know me and i dont want her to know me.

she's nadia, someone who has been chasing firdaus for years...and yeah, i contacted her because i was so jealous. and get to know her for a few days reveals lotsa things that i never wanna know.

she's so bad mouth! whao...she talked to me like i'm her friend and she can treat me as she likes...like what? sorry...she's not my cup of tea. for i thought when i first talked to her that she was a nice girl, but nice girl she wasn't. enough for a few days i've gotta know her. and for that, i dont wanna be her friend, she can get lost!

she bad mouthed firdaus to me...and what? she won't bad mouth me to someone else? nons(ense)...ops...i can't, i dont wanna plant hatred in my heart. enough bad thing i've done.

i've been through a lot lately. personally and professionaly and also, not to mention, family thingy...a lot! oh btw, i'm not fasting today...well, firdaus stay with me last night...and we, hmmm...i over shot. pass the sahur time, when it's time i'm suppose to send him home...but we've GREAT time together nonetheless. really great...thanks.

well time to say each other good bye relationship is catching up...and i'm still hoping that we are gonna stick together whatever happen. i for god sake couldn't let it go, couldn't let firdaus go. i love him a lot! so much! i ask me heart everytime...and the answer has been the same. i love him, no matter what, no matter how, no matter!

last night, when we were together...i told him, i wish i could kidnap him and bring him somewhere he could never be back...he said, 'send me to my parents house!'...ok-ok it was a joke...but me, i was damn serious...i want to kidnap him and take him with me to the place nobody else...except us. i just want him, so very much.

i told him, also that i wish i can take him to the moon where no one is there and he wont be returning. again, i was drop dead serious. i love him for what he is...

firdaus = young handsome guy, never been missed his solat, so strong in decision making, persistence, all the good thing and the not so good thing, when he's mad, he throw tantrum, when he's hungry, he throw tantrum...he's so manja, yeah, that's the exact word. oh, firdaus in a package. another one, when he plays games...DO NOT DISTURB!

last night he whispered to me...quietly...that he really want to satisfy me, he said 'i betul2 nak puaskan u'. well, sayang, you had me satified everytime...not even a single time u failed. worry not bout that. you have great 'package'...and i love it every minute with you. everytime...i really want you to do me...but so scare that you wouldn't want it.

btw, nadia's case, closed. i dont wanna have any relation with her or any contact...i dont want her to disturb me, my life or me sayang. she's really not worth it. with the mouth she has...yeah, no wonder firdaus not considering her at all.

i'm scare of what will happen after this. but still i've to bear with it. our relationship will still be there. but i just dont know it will become.

we are planning to buy an apartment together. for stay and for investment. i truly hope our planning will come true. amen.

till then, so far...i'm really2 happy with life i've been through with my sayang firdaus...my doa, all along this ramadhan...sounds the same.

'Ya Allah, ya tuhanku...ampunkan lah dosa ku, dosa ibu bapa ku, adik beradik ku dan ahli keluarga mereka, datuk dan nenek ku dan seterusnya umat islam sekelian. Ya Allah, permudahkan lah bagi ku pekerjaan ku, rezeki ku dan jodoh ku dengan firdaus. tenang kan lah hati nya, lembut kan lah hati nya dan buka kan lah hati nya untuk menerima ku. satu kan lah hati kami, jadi kan di dalam nya ada mawaddah dan rahmah, tenang lagi menenangkan, sayang menyayangi, kasih mengasihi, cinta mencintai. redha la hubungan kami, kekal kan kasih sayang dan cinta ini ke akhir hayat kami. ameen ya rabbal 'alamin...perkenankan lah wahai tuhan yg maha memperkenankan doa'.

..for he, firdaus so kind...

and i've no idea why he's been so very kind. it must have been because of our agreement and as he always said, he wanted to treat me good for that.
i really hope he did it genuinely...because he really feel like he expressed it.

that is one, another is that he needs lotsa money, cold hard cash. really a lot...speaking of RM50k!!! like seriously! what he's gonna do with RM50k? he was reluctant to tell tale how he comes to need that money that much and i assume, it was too private to let me know. and i never insist him telling. he asked me how to go about in applying for personal financing.

so, i checked for him around...all available banks and best rate offered in town. well, bank rakyat is the one. for i believe, sapura has panel bank rakyat for any personal financing i suggested that to him and told him the requirement in applying for one. however, there was slight hic up when SIB isn't panel bank rakyat for the said mean. thus, the process will be longer as the company need to register with the bank.

so, i search around best options available for him to execute his mean. and...this include last resort. if he couldn't apply, i will. for him and he'll pay to me. and there would be a lot more trail if this take place. i'll need a prove i lend him the money that much. and may be i need a lawyer too. well, not just MOU.

i did seek legal advice from our company lawyer how to go about and safe guard both parties interest. she said, legalize the document.
1. sign an agreement - friendly loan
2. get 2 witnesses - one each parties
3. get it stamp - 0.05% of the loan amount
4. have some kind of colleteral - post dated cheques for instance
5. get all contact - latest addresses, contact numbers etc

yes, i trust him but i don't want my trust being 'used' or 'missused' or anything in between. because it's RM50k and it's for 15yrs...how many IFs i should be counting? it takes only RM30k under bancruptcy act to declare npl...that's scary fact. i couldn't take this as simple chance even though it hasn't been applied yet. he promised me he'll get it paid in 4yrs.

he did thank me for 'allowing' such a gesture, an act to help him with his family problem. he told me that his mom family back in sabah chasing his mother for that much money and they don't have it. well, for obvious reason, i don't need to care about him...let alone to help him. he don't even care if i love him. don't even care if i'm exist. but i put extra effort to risk myself, for him. would he realize this?

would he? the risk i take, that i don't even do for my parents!!! can anyone in their right mind do this? can anyone? he is nobody...just the person i love so much. that's all. i don't know if my action is the right ones. don't even know.

i hope, i pray...only Allah will reward me for what i've done and i pray there would be nothing bad happen in between. i just couldn't take it. not even now...i'm still thinking, hard. what am i suppose to do? what is the best option?

what if he vanished? like he always said? what if? what if? what if? and what happen? how am i gonna treat this RM50k? damn!!! i've no bloody idea!!! am i a fool? i think i am...

oh Allah, what should i do? oh Allah, in your name the most merciful...help me please. give me a way out, give us a way out from this problem...please.

a good surprise...

Alhamdulillah! syukur pada Allah yg maha mulia, maha kuasa...pada kurnia dan rahmat nya yang tak pernah putus. terima kasih ya Allah...aku amat bersyukur.

pertama, aku diberi 2 orang pembantu untuk menyelesaikan kerja2 tertangguh ku...alangkah, hilang rasa nya separuh beban dalam hati dan kotak fikiran ini...rasa bersyukur sangat yang Dia mendengar rintihan dan doa ku agar dipermudahkan perkerjaan ku...

kedua nya, Firdaus...aku keluar untuk makan tengahari dengan dila dan khaizul seperti biasa bila dia menelefon...pada aku tiada apa yang luar biasa nya...kerana dia memanggil ketika dia bosan atau memerlukan sesuatu pertolongan...jarang sekalo kerana dia rindu. ya, dia rindu kan aku...aku...sungguh merasa seperti di awangan bila katanya 'sayang awak...'. and for that, i'll have to reply...'sayang awak juga'. it was in the public...and he clearly heard so happy...

i'm speechless and so surprise...i was asking myself, was there anything at all i did very good or great thing to deserve a 'sayang awak...' from firdaus? above all...i'm so very thankful, felt really blessed, very, very happy...more than happy...extremely overwhelmed. Alhamdulillah. i smile for myself after hearing it...i just couldn't believe it. i heard it even though i was asking myself of whether i was hearing it right...i love you firdaus, so much. you would never know...

yesterday, he was on outing with a girl...his admirer from uni time. yes, of course i was god, damn jealous...but what can i do to stop him? i just can say...i am so greatly jealous and couldn't stop thinking bout him. yeah, the day before i was with him the whole day...going for a good lunch at ikea restaurant, play a round of bowling and a movie marathon (predator and ong bak, it was so boring) and having dinner together before i send him back home.

yes, i couldn't stop thinking bout him. yes, it is my prayer...that his heart and mine are one. amen.

i was given a doa from jun, doa untuk kekasih...my prayer for firdaus...ya Allah, perkenankan lah doa ku...dan ini la doa yang sungguh menyentuh hati...


BISMILLAHIRROHMANIRRAHIM..

Allah Yang Maha Pemurah, terimakasih Engkau telah menciptakan dia dan mempertemukan saya dengannya.

Terimakasih untuk saat-saat indah yang boleh kami nikmati bersama.
Terimakasih untuk setiap pertemuan yang boleh kami lalui bersama.
Terimakasih untuk setiap saat-saat yang lalu.
Saya datang bersujud dihadapan-Mu,
Sucikan hati saya yaa Allah, sehingga dapat melaksanakan kehendak dan rencana-Mu dalam hidup saya.

Yaa Allah, jika saya bukan pemilik tulang rusuknya, (yang aku doa kan pada Mu, aku lah dia pemilik nya)
janganlah biarkan saya merindukan kehadirannya.
Janganlah biarkan saya melabuhkan hati saya di hatinya.
Kikislah pesonanya dari pelupuk mata saya
dan usirlah dia dari relung hati saya.
Gantilah damba kerinduan dan cinta yang bersemayam di dada ini dengan kasih dari dan pada-Mu yang tulus dan murni.
Tolonglah saya agar dapat mengasihinya sebagai sahabat.

Tetapi jika Kau ciptakan dia untuk saya, yaa Allah,
tolong satukan hati kami.
Bantulah saya untuk mencintai, mengerti dan menerima dia seutuhnya.
Berikan saya kesabaran, ketekunan, dan kesungguhan untuk memenangkan hatinya.
Urapilah dia agar dia juga mencintai, mengerti dan mau menerima saya
dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan saya sebagaimana saya telah Kau ciptakan.
Yakinkanlah dia bahwa saya sungguh-sungguh mencintai dan rela membagi suka dan duka saya dengan dia.

Yaa Allah Maha Pengasih, dengarlah doa saya ini.
Lepaskanlah saya dari keraguan ini menurut kasih dan kehendak-Mu.
Allah Yang Maha Kekal, saya tahu Engkau senantiasa memberikan yang terbaik buat saya.
Luka dan keraguan yang saya alami pasti ada hikmahnya.
Pergumulan ini mengajar saya untuk hidup makin dekat pada-Mu, untuk lebih peka terhadap suara-Mu
yang membimbing saya menuju terang-Mu.
Ajarlah saya untuk tetap setia dan sabar menanti tibanya waktu yang telah Engkau tentukan.
Jadilah kehendak-Mu dan bukan kehendak saya yang jadi dalam setiap bagian hidup saya, yaa Allah.

ya Allah, jadikanlah di dalam hati-hati kami ini mawaddah dan rahmah, tenang lagi memenangkan, sayang menyayangi, kasih mengasihi, cinta menyintai dan Kau redhai la hubungan kami, permudahkan la urusan jodoh kami...jadikan lah kami jodoh yang kekal baik dunia dan akhirat...


Amin….

ya Allah...tuhan yang maha memperkenankan doa, perkenankan lah doa ku. sungguh, aku menyayangi firdaus kerana Mu...jadikan lah dia petunjuk ku ke jalan mu....redha kan lah hati ku...dengan kelebihan dan kekurangan dia...jadikan lah dia hati yang menerima kekurangan ku...perkenankan lah...tuhan ku...aku mohon pada Mu, tiada lain kuasa selain kuasa dan kekuasaan MU....

life so complicated...

this post has suppose to be on 31.7.10...when i received a couple of sms from firdaus...says, 'i can't bear my ego anymore =('. and another was 'wanna call you sayang. cant take my ego already =('.

for that i was so god, damn happy to read that...i was over the moon, heel over head, ah you name it...i'm so overwhelmed! happy giler...

that when he was at kampung in perak. i wanna hear that again...and again...and again...

..served me right...

yeah, being a chronic procrastinator do me none of the good. indeed nothing good! but still, i'm one!!!

like duh! seriously, i can't be serious bout it eh.

so, i take this as an update for my 'sucks' life 'achievements' so far. i mean it's half a year already, ain't i?

1. in very critical condition relationship with firdaus. i've been given 3 months from 5.6.10 to prove that i'm worth it or 'deal' with it. otherwise couldn't be with him, regardless how hard i tried. and i'm trying, praying hard now...to have firdaus in my life.

'Ya Allah, jadikan lah Firdaus itu jodoh terbaik bagi ku, dekat kan la hatiku pada hatinya, hatinya pada hatiku, jadikan lah hati2 kami ini, hati2 yang saling menyayangi, mengasihi dan menyintai antara satu sama lain, jadi kan hati2 kami ini di dalam nya ada mawaddah dan rahmah, tenang lagi menenangkan. kekal kan lah jodoh kami ini dengan ikatan perkahwinan yang Engkau redhai, dunia dah akhirat'. ameen, ameen ya rabbal 'alamin...perkenankan lah, wahai Tuhan yang memperkenankan doa.

3 months are really short of time, i'll be running out of time...in no time! and it's up to his decision what's next after the period. i'm so, afraid to even think bout it. let alone to think of losing him forever. 'Ya Allah, aku mohon padaMu, perlindungan drp kejahatan manusia dan kejahatan syaitan. jadikan lah, jodoh antara aku dan Firdaus adalah yang terbaik dan kekal dalam rahmatMu, Ya Allah'. ameen.

2. Uitm has started to call for interview!!! yeah, i didn't even submit my application in full. gosh! i'm so impossible! even, i haven't get my referee to give a great commendations yet! duh! i've gotta get things done faster! i couldn't proscratinate anymore. served me right for it!

3. my runs? all into the drain...i did run one with Firdaus and turned out to be a disaster! damn it! i didn't even realize my passion to run has made him so angry! aduss!!! i couldn't figure that, seriously. i really hope, one day he realizes, life isn't all competitions, sometime life is fun...and great and wonderful. sometime, jokes are indeed, a medicine if not making us all cure from diseases! take life seriously but not so competitively, even small little fun could be so bad...sigh.

so, my sckl, into the drain, my australian trip as well...i'm retiring. i just don't want to run anymore. i love running but that's all for now.

4. my umrah trip? i don't know. my morocco trip...far fetched.

5. opening a company? working on it...oh, by the way not a company, a workshop but well...since sapura is really in almost deep shit, i might as well think of opening a company instead. i've got offer and thinking of it. just need more courages. 'Ya Allah, beri lah aku kekuatan untuk mengambil keputusan ini dan jadikan lah ia yang terbaik untuk ku'. ameen.

6. else?

all in all...i don't know if i still love this life. many times, i've negative thinking and perception and almost give up...i did give my life up...for many years...due to disappointment in life...live life to where it takes. and nothing change, or has change since then. yes, i live quiet life, day to day or rather month to month...seriously, it's no fun.

at time, i wish...i've never lived. that's how sucks my life is. come to think of it...still, life has to go on. regardless how terrible, hard or even impossible! if one day i'm looking back to this posting...i don't know if that time, i'd be more appreciative bout my life. hopefully so. amen.

'Ya Allah, permudahkan lah bagi ku, kehidupan ku, rezeki ku, urusan pekerjaan ku, urusan jodoh ku'. ameen, ra rabbal 'alamin.

..back to basic...

no, no...not christina aguilera's music album. nothing to do with it. it's about me and my utmost sayang...firdaus buahati nora.

since it has been really sometime, this blog hasn't been updated...hmm...well, i didn't remember posting the birthday's photos. all the nice and great moment we had during the dinner. i love it every milisecond of it. thank you Allah. i'm grateful for allowing me to feel the magical moment with my sayang.

we celebrated it at TGI Friday. i'd steak and he had rib...best in town so far. oh, i'd mine medium rare. i would want to have all the moment again and again...it was really wonderful! and the most precious ones was we took photos, for the first time, yeah, what else...together!!! i've never been so happy in my entire life! snapping photos with my lovely sayang during my birthday. it is great!

it was posted in fb of course and of course draw all the attention in the world! even people i never know in person likes it...yeah, indeed the photos, hmm...4 of it, all show the very nice moment.

but still, since we both are really strong headed and very stubborn and very objective...just that i'm a little stupid sometimes, oh may be most of the time...we have differences of course, it is two different persons and different personality and two different genders, of course there are so many things to recon, tolerate with, and lotsa give and take. at time, really test our tender age relationship.

and many times i put him at his nerve and he coulnd't take it anymore, tired of me and sort but...come to think of it, he never one time making anything at all to hurt me. i had hurt him so much...for so much more that i love him, care for him. well, love him is just half explain. i should say...i really, really, damn-ly love him. that i really do not care what i do...just to be with him.

'i give my all, just to have one more night with you, i risk my life...'. mariah carey's.

i love him...still afresh in my mind and heart of our very first meet...no, no, not the one after so many conversation over the phone that we had. the very first one, after the bowling. how my heart doing somersault and butterfly in my stomach!!!

then only i realized i HAD fell in love with him, FIRDAUS that very moment! and when he called me over my shoulder on my way back that day...i smiled all the way home. i wish i had flirted him that very moment. oh, no...not that moment because, our phone conversations after that was really, really momerable ones.

i still keep it till now in my other phone and i actually tried to sync with my pc however, yeah because i was so pandai, i lost it all :(

last 13.5.2010 i did hurt him again. but i couldn't really remember why. oh, no, i DON'T wanna remember why. last nite, 2.6.2010 i did again. i didn't listen to him. where i was suppose ti listen to him. if i didn't listen to him now, like now...to whom i want to listen to and till when? today, i realized i was totally wrong for what i did. that i'm not suppose to be acting so stupid! or even level headed with my sayang.

i'm so set to listen to him. really. he's everything i want. and above all...i love him. the first time, fell in love at the first sight and fall in love again, everytime i see him. everytime. can anyone in their right mind to fall in love everytime to the same person, again and again? well i do. fall to firdaus' feet!

like seriously. i must come back to basic...listen, listen to him because that what love do the best. i love you sayang...really love you.

..i knew i loved firdaus before i met him...

Maybe it’s intuition
Somethings you just don’t question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes, I think I’ve found my best friend

I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only a sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for, I think I’ve found my way home

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I have found you

and that is the lyrics from savage garden...

for my love, FIRDAUS...that i fell in love with him in most magical way...it was at the first sight! and more after millions of sights...i love him so much.

..the first time...with firdaus...

i couldn't really remember when was the exact date i met him. like seriously. just gone through my email and calendar to mark the exact date when.

it was on 11.4.2010 after a long chat with firdaus in the office because i've to work that day...and he asked me many personal question till one question that is very personal and i dare not answer it...over the phone. i told him, i'm gonna see him...and for that i'd answer what his question and wouldn't drag him for no reason. i bought him something and i'd pass him that...only that.

that night, for no reason, because i didn't even know klang let alone where he stays...or he works...i gambled. i drove toward klang, catched up with some friends to know the direction to his place in general but to no avail. but that was ok. i drove anyway...all by heart...impulsed ones.

of course i strayed...i drove toward pandamaran...and to know that i'd to actually drove toward north port. so, detour...oh, yeah, i called him and of course there would not be anymore suprise...but yeah, i was going to see him...he has to know. i was so afraid that he'd just disappear and run from me...so afraid. but i said to myself...i had to...or else.

with his direction, i managed to come right in front of his house! count the lost road, more than 5 times went and forth the same road just because i couldn't see the sign!

so, like i said...i want to pass something i bought for him. so i did...and i was ready to leave...when he said, lets go for a drink. i accepted. for the reason i don't know why except...a drink, why not...and he mentioned that, he was the one dragged me not i. so, ok. i drove to the nearest place for a drink...rather more a catch up.

and yes, he is as handsome as the prince charming! and of course, i love him the minute i saw him and everytime when i get to see him again...i love him. really.

at the stall we had our drink...we both were not so comfortable with each other, or so i think because we didn't say much...rather so quiet...well we had so much playing in our mind and that much was bothering me...for him, he said to me that (when we are together now) that he was so afraid that what i was going to say to him...if i see him just to say, good bye...he was so afraid, so scare.

indeed, i was there to say that but i didn't...

and the new chapter of my life started...with him inside it, formally...knowingly and lively...i told him what he scared the most...fact that I COULDN'T change and i hurt him so god, damn much and i can mend that...i really wish i could.

from that very day thing are different...i'm a different person now. really...everyone was saying that...speaking bout the 'tsunami' change in me. and i believed that's for good.

however, the next morning, that was on 12.4.2010...when we exchange text and call...i knew he was damn under great depression and for that...that very monday i went to fetch him to where he didn't know...where he had no idea to. just to ease his mind...since he had never been in cameron highlands, i drove him there.

'where you want to drive me to?' he innocently asked me when i said i wanted to bring him somewhere.
'hmm...to a place you've never been.' i answered...actually, cowardly...and more rather carefully. because the hurt i put in his heart, it was unbearable and he hadn't sleep the night before.
'place i've never been? hmm...how far from here?' he was curious...yeah, he had supposed to. yeah, possibly i could kidnap him somewhat.
'it's 290km (if i'm not mistaken) from here.' i answered...gave him some ideas where we were heading to.
'is it in damansara? oh? 200 over km? couldn't be somewhere here...i didn't see the signboard just now. where are we going?' he sound so suspicios already.
'to cameron highlands, place you have never been before.' he looked at me and said, 'we should have planned to go to the place that far.'
'i love to give you surprises, i want you to know that i'm impulsive.'

we didn't talk much during the ride, he didn't sleep either...and i was so intensely diverted anything at all...from his stare or his words.

that day was the most beautiful day in my life...the MOST. i parked the car so we could have some rest...and makan. that was where he kissed me. the first kiss, our first kiss...and i valued it the world. a simple kiss. but brought so much hopes and prayers and indeed...truly made me plunged into committing love forever with him. amen.


now, these days...no doubt, we've through the thicks and thins, ups and downs and many other relationships spoilers and sort but...i really pray that this one, with him...we pass all that, in the matter of time. because, for one, i never been in love before...not like this. i'm truly in love...and he has all the criteria i want...though i wasn't in his criterias.

he now, wanted to get rid of me, but i'm so into him that i couldn't let him slipped through my hands. i wanted him with all my life. to guide me...to be with me. he said, if he marries me, he wants to marry another girl...i would want to say ok...but of course, i want him all for myself.

now, what i'm doing is to making sure and making both of us realized that...been together is the best choice we have. and loving each other is the one thing WONDERFUL in our life.

for now, FIRDAUS...as i really, really love you so much and care for you so god, damn much...please...stay with me, we should figure our differences and tolerate, and negotiate and mend thing and deal with and be at best we should. that's life and i value you with all my heart.

i appreciate you the moment you kissed me, the moment we did in the car in front of your company and many more that happened between us...bad or good. thanks and for god sake, i love you so much.

'Ya Allah, jadikan lah hati ku dekat pada hati firdaus dan hati nya dekat pada hatiku...jadikan hati-hati kami ini, di dalam nya sayang-menyayangi, kasih-mengasihi dan cinta-menyintai...di dalam nya ada rahmah dan mawaddah, jadi kan lah antara kami ikatan perkahwinan yang Engkau redhai, dan kekal kan lah, jodoh kami, dunia dan akhirat.' amiin, ra rabbal 'alamin...perkenankanlah wahai Tuhan yang maha memperkenankan doa.

..do i really love him?

dang! i think i do! like seriously do! i love him, i love firdaus! oh no, i said these three-letter-word.

but really, well, except for my neo...my beloved till...i can own m6 obviously. sound selfish eh? well...that's the truth. for now, my neo is my everything.

ok, back to firdaus, how was this happenning? i just can't figure how or when or why or whatever! i just realized then, we are so damn close and loving each other like we really are a love bird! we miss each other, we exchange love word, we 'sulk' with each other, we exchange nice and sweet words. i don't know how long this 'nicest thing could happen to me' will ever last...

each day indeed gimme a new glimpse of fear. fear that one day i've to tell him whom i really am...despite enjoying his company so much and love him so very much...i know one thing for sure, i couldn't be with him. that fact, is just a sooner or later subject matter...and i don't know if i am so open to accept the consequenses...that would be really a heart broken moment in time...in life time! the last thing i wanted to do is breaking his heart out.

i love him for what he really is. he wakes up early every morning, never been missed his solat...and upon many things i consider is, he is just intelligent, smart, wit, athletics...

i gave him so many photos...and since he is now with mom and dad, with his family...dang! what a...don't know what would the best word describe, humiliated? embarrassed? i don't which is better explain. but yeah, it's the kind of feeling i then had when he showed her mom, my photos!!!

like great! the comment? 'she has nice bod'. can? like ha-ha. and came with tag line, 'if she wanted to keep that nice bod, will have to undergo stringent confinement after giving birth'. like...what? again? giving birth? aduyaiiiiiii...i haven't had persuaded myself commit to get married let alone to have offspring. out of question!

firdaus, firdaus...i just don't know...seriously no idea...where is this heading to. heart break so soon or, happiness continue...till further notice.



all in all...i love him so much...and very happy!

..i'm in love, truly madly, deeply...

yeah...or so i think. with firdaus. he really made me feel so happy...and loved. not that he said loved me anyway but...my guts told me that. taken that my guts had rarely gone wrong...i took as if it was true.

we chatted constantly nowadays...and talked on the phone more frequent also...even, at time i did feel i've been cheating on him...big time. at time i felt it wasnt fair for him not to know anything bout me. just because i loved him, didnt mean that he had too.

i told awang bout him...how i felt so guilty of dragging him into my life and made him felt loved...in a way...well more ways than one. yeah, he used to ask whether or not i missed him or loved him...which i took that as teasing or only a figure of speech. but each day...the feeling when we said that, itself, getting stronger each day that i could say it was so real.

even i called him sayang...yeah, surprisingly? i don't know what got into my head but...i was seriously flirting with him...to the max. and he was too...well, i thought so. and now we are caught in the middle of didnt even know where is the entrance nor the exit...should we continue to 'act' like this, we will surely ended in more troubles than one.

i wouldnt know how to exit...and he might feel trapped...oh i had no intention whatsoever to make it this serious, this far in our so called virtual relationship. well, we didn't even know each other in real life...

however, i must admit that i felt the jolt of excitement whenever we exchanged text messages and calls...that i could picture myself kissing him passionately. no, i didn't even know his physical. i look at him once...and that was all...and again, that was like...few months back. more than four months ago...

think of it, wow...we made it this far...in such a short of time! unbelievable!

whatever turn it may take from this date, today...i shall say...at this point of time, this minutes, i really love firdaus, truly, madly deeply.


p/s - it has been my forte that i 'picked up' someone from wherever i go! anywhere, police station, airport, game tournament, work, of course ;P

..my dreams...

or rather nightmares...yeah lately i'd wierd dreams. and triggered me to wake up in the middle of the night...breathless and thinking hard, recalling what i had been dreaming of. sometimes...i remember clearly even in the morning after. sometimes...i couldn't.

whatever the situation was, it frightened me. so, when i'd wierd dream last two days, i checked the intepretation of dreams. i dreamed of a snake, colourful ones, i reckoned a baby snake, i mean not an adult snake. and the same time a bird, a strange bird, also colourful one...just sat there and stared at me...so i checked.

and while i read, i came across one article, saying that if we felt sluggish and not interested in anything at all that we'd been so enthusiast with...possibility had it, we were chanted...a black magic!

huh! yeah, so i checked myself and i did find, i had most of the sympthoms. like, i'd lost spark for work, i was lazy to pray, fasting and most of other good things...sigh. was it? or it was just me and my bad habit?

should i go and meet ustaz? i think i should.

herewith i copy from haza zean's webblog.

I Am Addicted
I am addicted,
I've collected footsteps before dawn,
Seen places I never knew existed,
Run to the moon and back,
Been a rabbit for the neighbourhood dogs,
Obeyed the voice in my head,
Let music carry me when I couldn't,
Raced against yesterday,
Let the world be my witness,
Measured myself in metres,
Kilometres,
And finally
character,
I've plugged into a higher purpose,
Left this world and come back changed.
I am addicted.

- Nike+ commercial.


Lifelines
When my legs begin to move, the thoughts begin to flow.
--Henry David Thoreau

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
--Robert Frost

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.To put to rout all that was not life. And not, when I come to die, discover that I had not lived.
-- Henry David Thoreau

..i fall in love...

i fall in love again and again...for the same person...just at different occassions...it's for firdaus. i first fall in love with him in the wedding ceremony, with his all white baju melayu and songkok and he is stunningly handsome. i fall in love with him, the more every minute i see him. and the wedding? ours. i'm in white baju kurung, matching to his...waiting for him to take the vow in the akad.

he is so, handsomely stunning and i know he loves me too. every aota.

..it has been a while...

a very long while since my last entry...well, as usual...not that i do not opened or tried to make entry but everytime...i just jottd a few things and i left unspoken. even so much more to speak about.

today, regardless during office hour...bright day light...i feel like writing...i read writing a journal make ones release their tense, stress and depression...so why not i?

since it has been long hence, so many thing happened, bad or good...well of course i count every blessing but...somehow, the bad still keep popping up. like, sapuraglobal group is no longer in a good cashflow state, my boss being accused of acting beyond her authority, that she is going to resign soon, and i am now in operations once again...monitoring AR SOPs and all...and i too feel like leaving...

speaking of leaving, i've actually many choices...of whether to transfer to other sapura group of companies like sapuracrest or sapura industrial...given that i wanted to pursue career in internal audit. or, i stick with sapuraglobal, in operations till vss to come, or i shalle look in the market and secure myself a new job in new place, this would the grueling part, with interviews and cv update and all...and last but not the least, work for myself!!!

yep...the last one is my favorite idea of all...i feel like opening workshop and i read about franchising. and i've sent request but to no reply. nevermind that as i search for same in kind. i found punb offering bumiputera a very attractive package and why not? i'm still studying and i told aris about it...perhaps he could help and at least share some thought and ideas. still waiting somehow.

cars...rally...mechanics of it...i love it. inshaAllah...if i try hard enough and Allah has His very blessing for me, i'll succeed. i love the idea and i know my parents too. i'll work this idea out...i've all the courage and spirit and i just knew...that was all i need this while. i'll pursue this!

Ya Allah, please help me...please. Amen.

..2010 finally emerged...

yeah, was said it has choice of whether or not.

actually...i drafted this few weeks back and now, i barely remember wht i'd like to write about...and still thinking of what i've said above. ok, lets move on, never mind what i think that day...what matter...what i remember today bout the day.

ok, 2010...is partly great and partly freak...i've listed down things i'd like to do most and working on it...well, sort of.

i really hope that 2010 will bring more prosper and happiness and greatness and less fear and hopeless and none of the bad...none of particular frustration. oh, btw...i was wondering if i could fall in love again...hahaha...yes it's funny, seriously.

how come? can i fall in love? can i...actually have such a feeling? i'm realist...practical, neat freak...well they called it ocpd...obsessive compulsive disorder personality...whatever. doesn't matter...i know, i'm neat freak...time freak...ok, so what if i'm a freak after all?

if i wanted to fall in love again, i'd want to fall in love at first sight...that i can feel...so he is the one! yeah, right as if there are such. ok, i wont give it up...if there is not, i've nothing to lose. but if there is any...we shall see how that can turn my life into. hmm...good ones not bad :P

hmm...i've got this particular photo that really melt my heart away...and i must affirm myself that, if i were young once again, i shall pursue this guy...because he has everything i want in his look. really...he is so, so, good looking!



he's handsome chap isn't is?

..had so much fun!!!

it was a great time, we had so much of fun! never thought that the fun was almost ultimate! burst into laughters and care less bout what people think instead, join them. no perceptions, at all...just fun!

i was with dila, khaizul and mieza whom happen wanted to join us and supposedly wan, but she was sulking all the way since we were late. sigh...lets left this behind and moved on.




ok, lets get started. it was 31.12.09 and usual weekday, well not that usual since we were all anticipating an evening full of fun and be ready to blast one! we had lotsa fun and blasted one indeed.

i left office, sharp at 6pm in a verge to be @the curve as early as i could possibly be and yeah, finding parking won't be an easy task.

lets share the photos...