..do i really love him?

dang! i think i do! like seriously do! i love him, i love firdaus! oh no, i said these three-letter-word.

but really, well, except for my neo...my beloved till...i can own m6 obviously. sound selfish eh? well...that's the truth. for now, my neo is my everything.

ok, back to firdaus, how was this happenning? i just can't figure how or when or why or whatever! i just realized then, we are so damn close and loving each other like we really are a love bird! we miss each other, we exchange love word, we 'sulk' with each other, we exchange nice and sweet words. i don't know how long this 'nicest thing could happen to me' will ever last...

each day indeed gimme a new glimpse of fear. fear that one day i've to tell him whom i really am...despite enjoying his company so much and love him so very much...i know one thing for sure, i couldn't be with him. that fact, is just a sooner or later subject matter...and i don't know if i am so open to accept the consequenses...that would be really a heart broken moment in time...in life time! the last thing i wanted to do is breaking his heart out.

i love him for what he really is. he wakes up early every morning, never been missed his solat...and upon many things i consider is, he is just intelligent, smart, wit, athletics...

i gave him so many photos...and since he is now with mom and dad, with his family...dang! what a...don't know what would the best word describe, humiliated? embarrassed? i don't which is better explain. but yeah, it's the kind of feeling i then had when he showed her mom, my photos!!!

like great! the comment? 'she has nice bod'. can? like ha-ha. and came with tag line, 'if she wanted to keep that nice bod, will have to undergo stringent confinement after giving birth'. like...what? again? giving birth? aduyaiiiiiii...i haven't had persuaded myself commit to get married let alone to have offspring. out of question!

firdaus, firdaus...i just don't know...seriously no idea...where is this heading to. heart break so soon or, happiness continue...till further notice.



all in all...i love him so much...and very happy!

..i'm in love, truly madly, deeply...

yeah...or so i think. with firdaus. he really made me feel so happy...and loved. not that he said loved me anyway but...my guts told me that. taken that my guts had rarely gone wrong...i took as if it was true.

we chatted constantly nowadays...and talked on the phone more frequent also...even, at time i did feel i've been cheating on him...big time. at time i felt it wasnt fair for him not to know anything bout me. just because i loved him, didnt mean that he had too.

i told awang bout him...how i felt so guilty of dragging him into my life and made him felt loved...in a way...well more ways than one. yeah, he used to ask whether or not i missed him or loved him...which i took that as teasing or only a figure of speech. but each day...the feeling when we said that, itself, getting stronger each day that i could say it was so real.

even i called him sayang...yeah, surprisingly? i don't know what got into my head but...i was seriously flirting with him...to the max. and he was too...well, i thought so. and now we are caught in the middle of didnt even know where is the entrance nor the exit...should we continue to 'act' like this, we will surely ended in more troubles than one.

i wouldnt know how to exit...and he might feel trapped...oh i had no intention whatsoever to make it this serious, this far in our so called virtual relationship. well, we didn't even know each other in real life...

however, i must admit that i felt the jolt of excitement whenever we exchanged text messages and calls...that i could picture myself kissing him passionately. no, i didn't even know his physical. i look at him once...and that was all...and again, that was like...few months back. more than four months ago...

think of it, wow...we made it this far...in such a short of time! unbelievable!

whatever turn it may take from this date, today...i shall say...at this point of time, this minutes, i really love firdaus, truly, madly deeply.


p/s - it has been my forte that i 'picked up' someone from wherever i go! anywhere, police station, airport, game tournament, work, of course ;P

..my dreams...

or rather nightmares...yeah lately i'd wierd dreams. and triggered me to wake up in the middle of the night...breathless and thinking hard, recalling what i had been dreaming of. sometimes...i remember clearly even in the morning after. sometimes...i couldn't.

whatever the situation was, it frightened me. so, when i'd wierd dream last two days, i checked the intepretation of dreams. i dreamed of a snake, colourful ones, i reckoned a baby snake, i mean not an adult snake. and the same time a bird, a strange bird, also colourful one...just sat there and stared at me...so i checked.

and while i read, i came across one article, saying that if we felt sluggish and not interested in anything at all that we'd been so enthusiast with...possibility had it, we were chanted...a black magic!

huh! yeah, so i checked myself and i did find, i had most of the sympthoms. like, i'd lost spark for work, i was lazy to pray, fasting and most of other good things...sigh. was it? or it was just me and my bad habit?

should i go and meet ustaz? i think i should.

herewith i copy from haza zean's webblog.

I Am Addicted
I am addicted,
I've collected footsteps before dawn,
Seen places I never knew existed,
Run to the moon and back,
Been a rabbit for the neighbourhood dogs,
Obeyed the voice in my head,
Let music carry me when I couldn't,
Raced against yesterday,
Let the world be my witness,
Measured myself in metres,
Kilometres,
And finally
character,
I've plugged into a higher purpose,
Left this world and come back changed.
I am addicted.

- Nike+ commercial.


Lifelines
When my legs begin to move, the thoughts begin to flow.
--Henry David Thoreau

The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.
--Robert Frost

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.To put to rout all that was not life. And not, when I come to die, discover that I had not lived.
-- Henry David Thoreau

..i fall in love...

i fall in love again and again...for the same person...just at different occassions...it's for firdaus. i first fall in love with him in the wedding ceremony, with his all white baju melayu and songkok and he is stunningly handsome. i fall in love with him, the more every minute i see him. and the wedding? ours. i'm in white baju kurung, matching to his...waiting for him to take the vow in the akad.

he is so, handsomely stunning and i know he loves me too. every aota.

..it has been a while...

a very long while since my last entry...well, as usual...not that i do not opened or tried to make entry but everytime...i just jottd a few things and i left unspoken. even so much more to speak about.

today, regardless during office hour...bright day light...i feel like writing...i read writing a journal make ones release their tense, stress and depression...so why not i?

since it has been long hence, so many thing happened, bad or good...well of course i count every blessing but...somehow, the bad still keep popping up. like, sapuraglobal group is no longer in a good cashflow state, my boss being accused of acting beyond her authority, that she is going to resign soon, and i am now in operations once again...monitoring AR SOPs and all...and i too feel like leaving...

speaking of leaving, i've actually many choices...of whether to transfer to other sapura group of companies like sapuracrest or sapura industrial...given that i wanted to pursue career in internal audit. or, i stick with sapuraglobal, in operations till vss to come, or i shalle look in the market and secure myself a new job in new place, this would the grueling part, with interviews and cv update and all...and last but not the least, work for myself!!!

yep...the last one is my favorite idea of all...i feel like opening workshop and i read about franchising. and i've sent request but to no reply. nevermind that as i search for same in kind. i found punb offering bumiputera a very attractive package and why not? i'm still studying and i told aris about it...perhaps he could help and at least share some thought and ideas. still waiting somehow.

cars...rally...mechanics of it...i love it. inshaAllah...if i try hard enough and Allah has His very blessing for me, i'll succeed. i love the idea and i know my parents too. i'll work this idea out...i've all the courage and spirit and i just knew...that was all i need this while. i'll pursue this!

Ya Allah, please help me...please. Amen.

..2010 finally emerged...

yeah, was said it has choice of whether or not.

actually...i drafted this few weeks back and now, i barely remember wht i'd like to write about...and still thinking of what i've said above. ok, lets move on, never mind what i think that day...what matter...what i remember today bout the day.

ok, 2010...is partly great and partly freak...i've listed down things i'd like to do most and working on it...well, sort of.

i really hope that 2010 will bring more prosper and happiness and greatness and less fear and hopeless and none of the bad...none of particular frustration. oh, btw...i was wondering if i could fall in love again...hahaha...yes it's funny, seriously.

how come? can i fall in love? can i...actually have such a feeling? i'm realist...practical, neat freak...well they called it ocpd...obsessive compulsive disorder personality...whatever. doesn't matter...i know, i'm neat freak...time freak...ok, so what if i'm a freak after all?

if i wanted to fall in love again, i'd want to fall in love at first sight...that i can feel...so he is the one! yeah, right as if there are such. ok, i wont give it up...if there is not, i've nothing to lose. but if there is any...we shall see how that can turn my life into. hmm...good ones not bad :P

hmm...i've got this particular photo that really melt my heart away...and i must affirm myself that, if i were young once again, i shall pursue this guy...because he has everything i want in his look. really...he is so, so, good looking!



he's handsome chap isn't is?

..had so much fun!!!

it was a great time, we had so much of fun! never thought that the fun was almost ultimate! burst into laughters and care less bout what people think instead, join them. no perceptions, at all...just fun!

i was with dila, khaizul and mieza whom happen wanted to join us and supposedly wan, but she was sulking all the way since we were late. sigh...lets left this behind and moved on.




ok, lets get started. it was 31.12.09 and usual weekday, well not that usual since we were all anticipating an evening full of fun and be ready to blast one! we had lotsa fun and blasted one indeed.

i left office, sharp at 6pm in a verge to be @the curve as early as i could possibly be and yeah, finding parking won't be an easy task.

lets share the photos...