..time is running out...

hmm...adelin abdullah is my alter ego. created just to fulfill someone whom really damn desperately wanted to know me and i dont want her to know me.

she's nadia, someone who has been chasing firdaus for years...and yeah, i contacted her because i was so jealous. and get to know her for a few days reveals lotsa things that i never wanna know.

she's so bad mouth! whao...she talked to me like i'm her friend and she can treat me as she likes...like what? sorry...she's not my cup of tea. for i thought when i first talked to her that she was a nice girl, but nice girl she wasn't. enough for a few days i've gotta know her. and for that, i dont wanna be her friend, she can get lost!

she bad mouthed firdaus to me...and what? she won't bad mouth me to someone else? nons(ense)...ops...i can't, i dont wanna plant hatred in my heart. enough bad thing i've done.

i've been through a lot lately. personally and professionaly and also, not to mention, family thingy...a lot! oh btw, i'm not fasting today...well, firdaus stay with me last night...and we, hmmm...i over shot. pass the sahur time, when it's time i'm suppose to send him home...but we've GREAT time together nonetheless. really great...thanks.

well time to say each other good bye relationship is catching up...and i'm still hoping that we are gonna stick together whatever happen. i for god sake couldn't let it go, couldn't let firdaus go. i love him a lot! so much! i ask me heart everytime...and the answer has been the same. i love him, no matter what, no matter how, no matter!

last night, when we were together...i told him, i wish i could kidnap him and bring him somewhere he could never be back...he said, 'send me to my parents house!'...ok-ok it was a joke...but me, i was damn serious...i want to kidnap him and take him with me to the place nobody else...except us. i just want him, so very much.

i told him, also that i wish i can take him to the moon where no one is there and he wont be returning. again, i was drop dead serious. i love him for what he is...

firdaus = young handsome guy, never been missed his solat, so strong in decision making, persistence, all the good thing and the not so good thing, when he's mad, he throw tantrum, when he's hungry, he throw tantrum...he's so manja, yeah, that's the exact word. oh, firdaus in a package. another one, when he plays games...DO NOT DISTURB!

last night he whispered to me...quietly...that he really want to satisfy me, he said 'i betul2 nak puaskan u'. well, sayang, you had me satified everytime...not even a single time u failed. worry not bout that. you have great 'package'...and i love it every minute with you. everytime...i really want you to do me...but so scare that you wouldn't want it.

btw, nadia's case, closed. i dont wanna have any relation with her or any contact...i dont want her to disturb me, my life or me sayang. she's really not worth it. with the mouth she has...yeah, no wonder firdaus not considering her at all.

i'm scare of what will happen after this. but still i've to bear with it. our relationship will still be there. but i just dont know it will become.

we are planning to buy an apartment together. for stay and for investment. i truly hope our planning will come true. amen.

till then, so far...i'm really2 happy with life i've been through with my sayang firdaus...my doa, all along this ramadhan...sounds the same.

'Ya Allah, ya tuhanku...ampunkan lah dosa ku, dosa ibu bapa ku, adik beradik ku dan ahli keluarga mereka, datuk dan nenek ku dan seterusnya umat islam sekelian. Ya Allah, permudahkan lah bagi ku pekerjaan ku, rezeki ku dan jodoh ku dengan firdaus. tenang kan lah hati nya, lembut kan lah hati nya dan buka kan lah hati nya untuk menerima ku. satu kan lah hati kami, jadi kan di dalam nya ada mawaddah dan rahmah, tenang lagi menenangkan, sayang menyayangi, kasih mengasihi, cinta mencintai. redha la hubungan kami, kekal kan kasih sayang dan cinta ini ke akhir hayat kami. ameen ya rabbal 'alamin...perkenankan lah wahai tuhan yg maha memperkenankan doa'.

..for he, firdaus so kind...

and i've no idea why he's been so very kind. it must have been because of our agreement and as he always said, he wanted to treat me good for that.
i really hope he did it genuinely...because he really feel like he expressed it.

that is one, another is that he needs lotsa money, cold hard cash. really a lot...speaking of RM50k!!! like seriously! what he's gonna do with RM50k? he was reluctant to tell tale how he comes to need that money that much and i assume, it was too private to let me know. and i never insist him telling. he asked me how to go about in applying for personal financing.

so, i checked for him around...all available banks and best rate offered in town. well, bank rakyat is the one. for i believe, sapura has panel bank rakyat for any personal financing i suggested that to him and told him the requirement in applying for one. however, there was slight hic up when SIB isn't panel bank rakyat for the said mean. thus, the process will be longer as the company need to register with the bank.

so, i search around best options available for him to execute his mean. and...this include last resort. if he couldn't apply, i will. for him and he'll pay to me. and there would be a lot more trail if this take place. i'll need a prove i lend him the money that much. and may be i need a lawyer too. well, not just MOU.

i did seek legal advice from our company lawyer how to go about and safe guard both parties interest. she said, legalize the document.
1. sign an agreement - friendly loan
2. get 2 witnesses - one each parties
3. get it stamp - 0.05% of the loan amount
4. have some kind of colleteral - post dated cheques for instance
5. get all contact - latest addresses, contact numbers etc

yes, i trust him but i don't want my trust being 'used' or 'missused' or anything in between. because it's RM50k and it's for 15yrs...how many IFs i should be counting? it takes only RM30k under bancruptcy act to declare npl...that's scary fact. i couldn't take this as simple chance even though it hasn't been applied yet. he promised me he'll get it paid in 4yrs.

he did thank me for 'allowing' such a gesture, an act to help him with his family problem. he told me that his mom family back in sabah chasing his mother for that much money and they don't have it. well, for obvious reason, i don't need to care about him...let alone to help him. he don't even care if i love him. don't even care if i'm exist. but i put extra effort to risk myself, for him. would he realize this?

would he? the risk i take, that i don't even do for my parents!!! can anyone in their right mind do this? can anyone? he is nobody...just the person i love so much. that's all. i don't know if my action is the right ones. don't even know.

i hope, i pray...only Allah will reward me for what i've done and i pray there would be nothing bad happen in between. i just couldn't take it. not even now...i'm still thinking, hard. what am i suppose to do? what is the best option?

what if he vanished? like he always said? what if? what if? what if? and what happen? how am i gonna treat this RM50k? damn!!! i've no bloody idea!!! am i a fool? i think i am...

oh Allah, what should i do? oh Allah, in your name the most merciful...help me please. give me a way out, give us a way out from this problem...please.

a good surprise...

Alhamdulillah! syukur pada Allah yg maha mulia, maha kuasa...pada kurnia dan rahmat nya yang tak pernah putus. terima kasih ya Allah...aku amat bersyukur.

pertama, aku diberi 2 orang pembantu untuk menyelesaikan kerja2 tertangguh ku...alangkah, hilang rasa nya separuh beban dalam hati dan kotak fikiran ini...rasa bersyukur sangat yang Dia mendengar rintihan dan doa ku agar dipermudahkan perkerjaan ku...

kedua nya, Firdaus...aku keluar untuk makan tengahari dengan dila dan khaizul seperti biasa bila dia menelefon...pada aku tiada apa yang luar biasa nya...kerana dia memanggil ketika dia bosan atau memerlukan sesuatu pertolongan...jarang sekalo kerana dia rindu. ya, dia rindu kan aku...aku...sungguh merasa seperti di awangan bila katanya 'sayang awak...'. and for that, i'll have to reply...'sayang awak juga'. it was in the public...and he clearly heard so happy...

i'm speechless and so surprise...i was asking myself, was there anything at all i did very good or great thing to deserve a 'sayang awak...' from firdaus? above all...i'm so very thankful, felt really blessed, very, very happy...more than happy...extremely overwhelmed. Alhamdulillah. i smile for myself after hearing it...i just couldn't believe it. i heard it even though i was asking myself of whether i was hearing it right...i love you firdaus, so much. you would never know...

yesterday, he was on outing with a girl...his admirer from uni time. yes, of course i was god, damn jealous...but what can i do to stop him? i just can say...i am so greatly jealous and couldn't stop thinking bout him. yeah, the day before i was with him the whole day...going for a good lunch at ikea restaurant, play a round of bowling and a movie marathon (predator and ong bak, it was so boring) and having dinner together before i send him back home.

yes, i couldn't stop thinking bout him. yes, it is my prayer...that his heart and mine are one. amen.

i was given a doa from jun, doa untuk kekasih...my prayer for firdaus...ya Allah, perkenankan lah doa ku...dan ini la doa yang sungguh menyentuh hati...


BISMILLAHIRROHMANIRRAHIM..

Allah Yang Maha Pemurah, terimakasih Engkau telah menciptakan dia dan mempertemukan saya dengannya.

Terimakasih untuk saat-saat indah yang boleh kami nikmati bersama.
Terimakasih untuk setiap pertemuan yang boleh kami lalui bersama.
Terimakasih untuk setiap saat-saat yang lalu.
Saya datang bersujud dihadapan-Mu,
Sucikan hati saya yaa Allah, sehingga dapat melaksanakan kehendak dan rencana-Mu dalam hidup saya.

Yaa Allah, jika saya bukan pemilik tulang rusuknya, (yang aku doa kan pada Mu, aku lah dia pemilik nya)
janganlah biarkan saya merindukan kehadirannya.
Janganlah biarkan saya melabuhkan hati saya di hatinya.
Kikislah pesonanya dari pelupuk mata saya
dan usirlah dia dari relung hati saya.
Gantilah damba kerinduan dan cinta yang bersemayam di dada ini dengan kasih dari dan pada-Mu yang tulus dan murni.
Tolonglah saya agar dapat mengasihinya sebagai sahabat.

Tetapi jika Kau ciptakan dia untuk saya, yaa Allah,
tolong satukan hati kami.
Bantulah saya untuk mencintai, mengerti dan menerima dia seutuhnya.
Berikan saya kesabaran, ketekunan, dan kesungguhan untuk memenangkan hatinya.
Urapilah dia agar dia juga mencintai, mengerti dan mau menerima saya
dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan saya sebagaimana saya telah Kau ciptakan.
Yakinkanlah dia bahwa saya sungguh-sungguh mencintai dan rela membagi suka dan duka saya dengan dia.

Yaa Allah Maha Pengasih, dengarlah doa saya ini.
Lepaskanlah saya dari keraguan ini menurut kasih dan kehendak-Mu.
Allah Yang Maha Kekal, saya tahu Engkau senantiasa memberikan yang terbaik buat saya.
Luka dan keraguan yang saya alami pasti ada hikmahnya.
Pergumulan ini mengajar saya untuk hidup makin dekat pada-Mu, untuk lebih peka terhadap suara-Mu
yang membimbing saya menuju terang-Mu.
Ajarlah saya untuk tetap setia dan sabar menanti tibanya waktu yang telah Engkau tentukan.
Jadilah kehendak-Mu dan bukan kehendak saya yang jadi dalam setiap bagian hidup saya, yaa Allah.

ya Allah, jadikanlah di dalam hati-hati kami ini mawaddah dan rahmah, tenang lagi memenangkan, sayang menyayangi, kasih mengasihi, cinta menyintai dan Kau redhai la hubungan kami, permudahkan la urusan jodoh kami...jadikan lah kami jodoh yang kekal baik dunia dan akhirat...


Amin….

ya Allah...tuhan yang maha memperkenankan doa, perkenankan lah doa ku. sungguh, aku menyayangi firdaus kerana Mu...jadikan lah dia petunjuk ku ke jalan mu....redha kan lah hati ku...dengan kelebihan dan kekurangan dia...jadikan lah dia hati yang menerima kekurangan ku...perkenankan lah...tuhan ku...aku mohon pada Mu, tiada lain kuasa selain kuasa dan kekuasaan MU....

life so complicated...

this post has suppose to be on 31.7.10...when i received a couple of sms from firdaus...says, 'i can't bear my ego anymore =('. and another was 'wanna call you sayang. cant take my ego already =('.

for that i was so god, damn happy to read that...i was over the moon, heel over head, ah you name it...i'm so overwhelmed! happy giler...

that when he was at kampung in perak. i wanna hear that again...and again...and again...

..served me right...

yeah, being a chronic procrastinator do me none of the good. indeed nothing good! but still, i'm one!!!

like duh! seriously, i can't be serious bout it eh.

so, i take this as an update for my 'sucks' life 'achievements' so far. i mean it's half a year already, ain't i?

1. in very critical condition relationship with firdaus. i've been given 3 months from 5.6.10 to prove that i'm worth it or 'deal' with it. otherwise couldn't be with him, regardless how hard i tried. and i'm trying, praying hard now...to have firdaus in my life.

'Ya Allah, jadikan lah Firdaus itu jodoh terbaik bagi ku, dekat kan la hatiku pada hatinya, hatinya pada hatiku, jadikan lah hati2 kami ini, hati2 yang saling menyayangi, mengasihi dan menyintai antara satu sama lain, jadi kan hati2 kami ini di dalam nya ada mawaddah dan rahmah, tenang lagi menenangkan. kekal kan lah jodoh kami ini dengan ikatan perkahwinan yang Engkau redhai, dunia dah akhirat'. ameen, ameen ya rabbal 'alamin...perkenankan lah, wahai Tuhan yang memperkenankan doa.

3 months are really short of time, i'll be running out of time...in no time! and it's up to his decision what's next after the period. i'm so, afraid to even think bout it. let alone to think of losing him forever. 'Ya Allah, aku mohon padaMu, perlindungan drp kejahatan manusia dan kejahatan syaitan. jadikan lah, jodoh antara aku dan Firdaus adalah yang terbaik dan kekal dalam rahmatMu, Ya Allah'. ameen.

2. Uitm has started to call for interview!!! yeah, i didn't even submit my application in full. gosh! i'm so impossible! even, i haven't get my referee to give a great commendations yet! duh! i've gotta get things done faster! i couldn't proscratinate anymore. served me right for it!

3. my runs? all into the drain...i did run one with Firdaus and turned out to be a disaster! damn it! i didn't even realize my passion to run has made him so angry! aduss!!! i couldn't figure that, seriously. i really hope, one day he realizes, life isn't all competitions, sometime life is fun...and great and wonderful. sometime, jokes are indeed, a medicine if not making us all cure from diseases! take life seriously but not so competitively, even small little fun could be so bad...sigh.

so, my sckl, into the drain, my australian trip as well...i'm retiring. i just don't want to run anymore. i love running but that's all for now.

4. my umrah trip? i don't know. my morocco trip...far fetched.

5. opening a company? working on it...oh, by the way not a company, a workshop but well...since sapura is really in almost deep shit, i might as well think of opening a company instead. i've got offer and thinking of it. just need more courages. 'Ya Allah, beri lah aku kekuatan untuk mengambil keputusan ini dan jadikan lah ia yang terbaik untuk ku'. ameen.

6. else?

all in all...i don't know if i still love this life. many times, i've negative thinking and perception and almost give up...i did give my life up...for many years...due to disappointment in life...live life to where it takes. and nothing change, or has change since then. yes, i live quiet life, day to day or rather month to month...seriously, it's no fun.

at time, i wish...i've never lived. that's how sucks my life is. come to think of it...still, life has to go on. regardless how terrible, hard or even impossible! if one day i'm looking back to this posting...i don't know if that time, i'd be more appreciative bout my life. hopefully so. amen.

'Ya Allah, permudahkan lah bagi ku, kehidupan ku, rezeki ku, urusan pekerjaan ku, urusan jodoh ku'. ameen, ra rabbal 'alamin.

..back to basic...

no, no...not christina aguilera's music album. nothing to do with it. it's about me and my utmost sayang...firdaus buahati nora.

since it has been really sometime, this blog hasn't been updated...hmm...well, i didn't remember posting the birthday's photos. all the nice and great moment we had during the dinner. i love it every milisecond of it. thank you Allah. i'm grateful for allowing me to feel the magical moment with my sayang.

we celebrated it at TGI Friday. i'd steak and he had rib...best in town so far. oh, i'd mine medium rare. i would want to have all the moment again and again...it was really wonderful! and the most precious ones was we took photos, for the first time, yeah, what else...together!!! i've never been so happy in my entire life! snapping photos with my lovely sayang during my birthday. it is great!

it was posted in fb of course and of course draw all the attention in the world! even people i never know in person likes it...yeah, indeed the photos, hmm...4 of it, all show the very nice moment.

but still, since we both are really strong headed and very stubborn and very objective...just that i'm a little stupid sometimes, oh may be most of the time...we have differences of course, it is two different persons and different personality and two different genders, of course there are so many things to recon, tolerate with, and lotsa give and take. at time, really test our tender age relationship.

and many times i put him at his nerve and he coulnd't take it anymore, tired of me and sort but...come to think of it, he never one time making anything at all to hurt me. i had hurt him so much...for so much more that i love him, care for him. well, love him is just half explain. i should say...i really, really, damn-ly love him. that i really do not care what i do...just to be with him.

'i give my all, just to have one more night with you, i risk my life...'. mariah carey's.

i love him...still afresh in my mind and heart of our very first meet...no, no, not the one after so many conversation over the phone that we had. the very first one, after the bowling. how my heart doing somersault and butterfly in my stomach!!!

then only i realized i HAD fell in love with him, FIRDAUS that very moment! and when he called me over my shoulder on my way back that day...i smiled all the way home. i wish i had flirted him that very moment. oh, no...not that moment because, our phone conversations after that was really, really momerable ones.

i still keep it till now in my other phone and i actually tried to sync with my pc however, yeah because i was so pandai, i lost it all :(

last 13.5.2010 i did hurt him again. but i couldn't really remember why. oh, no, i DON'T wanna remember why. last nite, 2.6.2010 i did again. i didn't listen to him. where i was suppose ti listen to him. if i didn't listen to him now, like now...to whom i want to listen to and till when? today, i realized i was totally wrong for what i did. that i'm not suppose to be acting so stupid! or even level headed with my sayang.

i'm so set to listen to him. really. he's everything i want. and above all...i love him. the first time, fell in love at the first sight and fall in love again, everytime i see him. everytime. can anyone in their right mind to fall in love everytime to the same person, again and again? well i do. fall to firdaus' feet!

like seriously. i must come back to basic...listen, listen to him because that what love do the best. i love you sayang...really love you.

..i knew i loved firdaus before i met him...

Maybe it’s intuition
Somethings you just don’t question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes, I think I’ve found my best friend

I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only a sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for, I think I’ve found my way home

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I have found you

and that is the lyrics from savage garden...

for my love, FIRDAUS...that i fell in love with him in most magical way...it was at the first sight! and more after millions of sights...i love him so much.